Generally, there are two ways individuals react towards situations that are displeasing. Some people blow up in a volcanic manner. They may shout, scream or rave and after they have done so, they (might) cool down and return to normal. Others on the other hand, keep their anger or bitterness inside them by clamming up. They may display their displeasure in their faces or body language but they would not vocalize it or act on it there and then. They keep it inside and resentment builds up. Both types of reactions are unhealthy. Respond to displeasure in a healthy way is key to anger management and having peaceful mindset.

Many people do not want to address a conflict, and bring up strong emotions. As a result, they simply keep quiet when upset. Accordingly, they suppress their anger or other emotions. Unfortunately, this isn’t a healthy long-term strategy as unexpressed or unresolved anger or emotion can lead to resentment, future explosion and additional conflict in the relationship.

This is why individuals need to increase their level of awareness toward their emotions, particularly anger while trying to know how they feel and understand why they feel that way. Not once we don’t know why we feel angry or resentful. Other times, we feel that the other person isn’t doing what they “should,” but we aren’t aware of exactly what we want from them, or if it’s even reasonable. As such, it is important to articulate to ourselves what we need and express it in an assertive manner. This is an important component of Anger Management.

Anger management or the ability to constructively process our emotional state is key to our well being. Everyone gets angry, but not everyone knows how to manage it. The problem is not about getting angry, but rather what we do with the anger. The meaning we attached to the anger and taking the appropriate action is the key to managing anger.

When our view of life comes from a position of entitlement and/or high level of expectations, then when don’t get what we want or our expectations are not met, we become angry. When we require life, relationship or our partner to be an ideal, without imperfections, faults or inconsistencies, we cannot avoid of being angry. If we expect life to be fair, we cannot avoid of being angry when we are treated unfairly, or when we don’t like the situation. When we adapt a victim mentality or attitude, and see the “others” as bad or negative (the “enemy”) that want to hurt us, we feel that we are entitled to be angry since we think as a victim and need to protect ourselves.

In addition, when we suffer from lack of self esteem, poor self-image, low self respect or a negative self image, we are having difficulties in tolerating conflict or accept criticism from others. This is why healthy self esteem is important element in managing anger. The ability to resolve conflict, negotiate or collaborate is based on increased awareness, realistic perspective, self respect and empathy as well as assertive behavior.

Many people who experience anger problems do not take responsibility for their anger and refuse to see their contribution to the negative situation. They avoid seeing how their perspective effect their behavior and what is their part in the negative relationship. Every time that they insist of being right and having attachment to such unhealthy view, they take the position that being right is more important than the relationship. As a result, a vicious cycle of reactivity and anger is amplify and the relationship suffers.

To manage anger in a healthy way, we need to be able to accept responsibility to our anger and emotion, to calm down and then to express our anger assertively. Accordingly, it is crucial to express ourselves from the perspective of what is hurting us and what we need. This attitude, focus on the “I” rather than the “YOU.” It express personal needs rather than blame the other and done so in a constructive communication style. If we are able to pause, stop and think before acting rather than impulsively react on our anger, we can process our feelings, understand what is causing it, then we can better understand what stimulate our anger and express our needs in a healthy way.

We must understand that our anger emotion is the result of our own subjective perception and response to reality. Once we understand and accept that our anger belongs exclusively to us and that it is created as a result of our view of the situation, we are moving toward a positive direction of managing our anger. Accordingly, the ability to develop realistic expectations for oneself and others will help to eliminate anger problems.

This is why being responsible to our anger is the cornerstone of all healthy relationships. Accepting responsibility to our anger, being able to process it constructively increases our ability to resolve anger and conflict and develop more healthy and happy relationships.

Clear communication is an important part of assertiveness. In communication is where assertiveness can manifest it self the most (or not). This is where you show:

• knowledge – you are able to understand and summarize the situation
• feelings – you can explain your feelings about the situation
• needs – you are able to explain clearly what you want or need, giving your reasons and any benefits to the other party

It isn’t just the content of what you say that counts; it is the way you put it across (the process of how you communicate the content). Assertive communication helps to:

• be honest with yourself about your own feelings
• keep calm and stick to the point
• be clear, specific and direct
• if you meet objections, listen to the other person’s point of view whilst ensuring that your message is clear
• try to offer alternative solutions if you can
• ask, if you are unsure about something
• if the other person tries to create a diversion, point this out calmly and repeat your message
• use appropriate body language
• always respect the rights and point of view of the other person
• own your messages by using “I” – for example, it’s more constructive to say “I don’t agree with you” than “you’re wrong”
• remember, you have the right to make mistakes and so does everyone else

Assertiveness communication requires a co-operative, respectful and mutually beneficial relationships. Assertiveness is an attitude and a way of relating to the outside world, backed up by a set of skills for effective communication. By mastering effective and assertiveness communication you move forward and empower yourself despite conflicts and challenges.

Many individuals desire to build, boost, and develop assertiveness and build self-confidence . Yet, for many individuals it seems a difficult task. However, building confidence and assertiveness is probably easier than you think. ‘Non-assertive’ people do not generally want to transform into being excessively dominant people and they certainly don’t normally want to become bullies.

What they want is to be more able to resist the pressure and dominance of excessively dominant people. When most people talk about wanting to be more assertive, what they usually deeply mean is: “How can I become more able to resist the pressure and dominance of excessively dominant people?” or “How can I stand up to bullies (or one bully in particular)?” or And also, “How can I exert a little more control in situations that are important to me?”

For anyone seeking to increase their own assertiveness it is helpful to understand the personality and motivation of excessively dominant people, who incidentally cause the most worry to non-assertive people.

Most excessively dominant people are usually bullies. Bullies are deep-down insecure people. They dominate because they are too insecure to allow other people to have responsibility and influence, and this behavior is generally conditioned from childhood for one reason or another. The dominant aggressive behavior is effectively reinforced by the response given by insecure and non-assertive people to bullying. The aggressive person gets his or her own way. The bullying dominant behaviour is rewarded, and so it persists.

This is why it is important to understand where you want to be: what level of assertiveness you want to use at any given situation? The main purpose of assertiveness is to defend yourself, and to control your own choices and destiny, not to control others. Once you master the assertiveness skills, you build clear boundaries and establish healthy self esteem while creating more satisfying and fulfilling life.

Lack of assertiveness can affect your relationships and quality of life, as you fail to communicate effectively and probably end up not getting what you want. Family life, career prospects and stress levels can all be affected by non-assertive behavior.

By examining carefully the way you communicate with others, there are a number of ways in which you can begin to assert yourself, helping to improve your quality of life. In this regards, assertiveness training can provide you the necessary skills and benefits. You may read books, articles about the subject (the internet is a large resource). If you have tried to improve assertiveness but still find you are acting in a mostly passive or aggressive way, you may find talking to a trained counselor or psychotherapist useful.

Talking to a professional counselor that specializes in assertiveness training may bring back painful memories of unpleasant experiences you have had, but it can help you understand why you act the way you do. It will help you to think differently about yourself and to have constructive, assertive behavior. Many psychotherapists utilize proven cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to gain positive results and you may find it helpful. This is a therapy that involves helping you to overcome unhelpful patterns in the way you think and behave, including aggressive and passive behaviour.

Although it can be overwhelming and intimidating to start behaving more assertively, you will find that it has many benefits. When you act in an assertive way you communicate better and command respect. This can improve your relationships - both at home and at work.

The chaos theory was metaphorically described by Maxim in the following way: “A butterfly fluttering its wings over a flower in china can set in motion a series of events which result in a storm over the Caribbean.” The scientific chaos theory seems to be described in a very spiritual, holistic and systemic perspective and powerfully illustrates the strength of universal connectivity and interdependence.

When we specifically apply that concept to interpersonal relationships, we cannot avoid but seeing that in today world humans tend to be more self focus (“what is it for me”) rather than engaging in altruistic activities and seeing the long-term benefits associated with giving and collaboration for the  “greater good,” including ourselves.

The inter-connectivity and interdependence to be effective also requires a balance perspective. Like everything in life, it probably comes down to balance of avoiding deficiency or excess in all aspects including physical, emotional and spiritual areas. Whether on a national, community or personal level, excess in one area always results in deficiency in another area.

This is why some suggest that the future of humanity is dependent on individuals, societies and nations working together in a compassion, generous and interdependence way to establish a universal balance. The underline needs of individuals are the driving forces of our emotions (including anger) and behavior. It is therefore necessary for us to figure out our need and expressing it assertively while respecting others. This attitude will lead to better connectivity, understanding and global harmony and balance. In other words, individuals must practically understand the need to balance our own needs and wants against those of other individuals, groups, nations and all of humanity.

Anger counseling is designed to help individuals gain a better understanding of acceptable and productive ways to express anger and eliminate aggressive and self-destructive behaviors. Clients in anger management classes learn to recognize and identify the role of individual responsibility in changing their maladaptive behaviors. Anger counseling or anger seminar offers skills for managing anger, and provides assistance in increasing self-esteem and overcoming insecurity.

Anger management goals:

• Reduce levels of anger especially in provocative situations
• Learn effective coping behaviors in order to halt escalation and to resolve conflicts
• Process anger and manage it constructively by understanding its psychodynamic
• Learn to express your emotions and needs
• Become assertive (not aggressive nor passive)
• Maintain self-control and focus on healthy and productive behavior
• Develop effective communication skills

The goal of anger management is to use anger or other difficult emotions as a signal that there is a problem or issue that needs to be addressed. Individuals are taught how to slow down their arousal when angered, so that it can be processed and acted on in a proper way without the negative consequences when it is uncontrolled.

The anger program enables clients to reflect on and understand on their reactions in times of stress, anger and other strong emotions. The anger management skills that are learned can be applied with the purpose of stopping conflict situations and destructive patterns.

The most important relationship we will ever have in our lives is the one we have with ourselves. If we feel good with ourselves, accept ourselves and think positively about ourselves, then we become fulfilled. Therefore, how we relate to ourselves will determine how happy we will be.

Building self esteem is probably the most important factor that leads to happy and fulfilling life. Healthy self esteem requires self knowledge, self acceptance, empathy, compassion, self respect and personal understanding. To achieve these states, it requires ongoing personal work. This work can be enhanced by a competent psychotherapist who can guide you through the process. Self esteem is founded on a fundamental understanding of who we are, what we need, where we are and where we want to be. Self-esteem is the psychological foundation that our personality is built upon. The stronger our sense of self, the more we will be able to withstand the storms and difficulties that come along with life’s challenges.

Improving self esteem and building confidence requires the development of abilities such flexibility, durability, acceptance, engagement and being present while developing appreciation. By building our character, we improve our self value and enhance our internal strength and internal freedom, rather than allowing our externals constrains to limit us or control us. This in turn leads to the creation of a durable, flexible and fulfilling life.

Self esteem is knowing how life really is, and accepting life as it is. It is not about imposing our expectations or idealized notion of how life should be. It is not about blaming ourselves or others when life doesn’t turn out that way. Learning to live with how life is, and developing an understanding, compassionate relationship with ourselves is the key to healthier self esteem. As such, healthy self esteem is based on the ability to develop realistic goals while acquiring abilities and skills to construct a satisfying life.

Assertiveness is a communication style. It is the ability to express your feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and opinions in a direct, respectful and open manner that doesn’t violate the rights of others.

If we do express ourselves openly and conceal our thoughts and feelings this can make us feel tense, stressed, anxious or resentful. It possibly would lead to unhealthy and uncomfortable relationships as we don’t feel safe and loves while not allowing people closest to us to really know us.

The main effect of not being assertive is that it leads to low self esteem. If we communicate in a passive manner we are not saying what we really feel or think. This means we can end up agreeing with and fulfilling other people’s needs or wants rather than our own. Lack of expression of needs might leads to depression. This can result in a lack of purpose, and a feeling of not being in control of our own lives.

Lack of assertiveness is also very common in social phobia. People with social anxiety tend to think that other people are being judgmental and critical about them and will avoid social situations because of this.

Being assertive involves first of all choosing to communicate – being active rather than passive – and then doing so in a manner that’s both respectful and honest. Becoming more assertive is rewarding as it increases your self-esteem and social ability and allows you to have more fulfilling life.

You need to feel good about yourself in order to cope with any problems and to have honest relationships with yourself and others. Anger can get in the way of feeling good and in times when anger is not manage properly and has no place to go, it may be turned into self-anger. This means that anger is directed against you and can lead to self-destructive behaviors like excessive drinking, drug use, gambling or even anxiety, depression, physical illnesses and suicide attempts. Self-anger makes you feel like you cannot stand yourself.

The antidote for self-anger is to feel good about yourself by developing your character and building yourself esteem. The first step in improving your self-esteem is to try to recognize the things make you angry with yourself. Try completing the following sentence, “I get angry at myself when . . .“ I don’t do as well as I should; I eat too much; I lose my temper; I don’t speak as I should; When I say stupid things etc.. These self-provocations are things that make you angry and are usually things where you have no one to blame but yourself. You need to learn how to work out these self-provocations. Failure to do this can lead to anger overload that can result in self-destructive patterns of behavior.

Once you identify your self-provocations, the next step is to develop strategies to overcome them. For Example, if your self-provocation is that you eat too much, resolve that next time you will eat more nutritionally and eat less. Secondly, do not kick yourself too hard when you are not successful. Allow yourself to be human (which you are). If your problem is that you get angry, you may need to exercise some relaxation techniques. When you encounter something that makes you angry with yourself, use the following statement, “What is the best thing for me to do now?” Remember to BE WISE, NOT RIGHT, which mean engage yourself in healthy and productive thoughts and actions. Your acknowledgment of the problem, and at the same time, focusing on improving the situation and getting better is the road to overcome anger. Merely sitting and belittling yourself over what has happened is not productive and even make anger worse.

In case of situations that are beyond our control or when we cannot make changes, we can develop the strategy of either learning to live with it or leaving the situation. Once you accept the fact that the source of the problem is not within you, it is easier to accept the provocation without developing self-anger.