Clear communication is an important part of assertiveness. In communication is where assertiveness can manifest it self the most (or not). This is where you show:

• knowledge – you are able to understand and summarize the situation
• feelings – you can explain your feelings about the situation
• needs – you are able to explain clearly what you want or need, giving your reasons and any benefits to the other party

It isn’t just the content of what you say that counts; it is the way you put it across (the process of how you communicate the content). Assertive communication helps to:

• be honest with yourself about your own feelings
• keep calm and stick to the point
• be clear, specific and direct
• if you meet objections, listen to the other person’s point of view whilst ensuring that your message is clear
• try to offer alternative solutions if you can
• ask, if you are unsure about something
• if the other person tries to create a diversion, point this out calmly and repeat your message
• use appropriate body language
• always respect the rights and point of view of the other person
• own your messages by using “I” – for example, it’s more constructive to say “I don’t agree with you” than “you’re wrong”
• remember, you have the right to make mistakes and so does everyone else

Assertiveness communication requires a co-operative, respectful and mutually beneficial relationships. Assertiveness is an attitude and a way of relating to the outside world, backed up by a set of skills for effective communication. By mastering effective and assertiveness communication you move forward and empower yourself despite conflicts and challenges.

Many individuals desire to build, boost, and develop assertiveness and build self-confidence . Yet, for many individuals it seems a difficult task. However, building confidence and assertiveness is probably easier than you think. ‘Non-assertive’ people do not generally want to transform into being excessively dominant people and they certainly don’t normally want to become bullies.

What they want is to be more able to resist the pressure and dominance of excessively dominant people. When most people talk about wanting to be more assertive, what they usually deeply mean is: “How can I become more able to resist the pressure and dominance of excessively dominant people?” or “How can I stand up to bullies (or one bully in particular)?” or And also, “How can I exert a little more control in situations that are important to me?”

For anyone seeking to increase their own assertiveness it is helpful to understand the personality and motivation of excessively dominant people, who incidentally cause the most worry to non-assertive people.

Most excessively dominant people are usually bullies. Bullies are deep-down insecure people. They dominate because they are too insecure to allow other people to have responsibility and influence, and this behavior is generally conditioned from childhood for one reason or another. The dominant aggressive behavior is effectively reinforced by the response given by insecure and non-assertive people to bullying. The aggressive person gets his or her own way. The bullying dominant behaviour is rewarded, and so it persists.

This is why it is important to understand where you want to be: what level of assertiveness you want to use at any given situation? The main purpose of assertiveness is to defend yourself, and to control your own choices and destiny, not to control others. Once you master the assertiveness skills, you build clear boundaries and establish healthy self esteem while creating more satisfying and fulfilling life.

Lack of assertiveness can affect your relationships and quality of life, as you fail to communicate effectively and probably end up not getting what you want. Family life, career prospects and stress levels can all be affected by non-assertive behavior.

By examining carefully the way you communicate with others, there are a number of ways in which you can begin to assert yourself, helping to improve your quality of life. In this regards, assertiveness training can provide you the necessary skills and benefits. You may read books, articles about the subject (the internet is a large resource). If you have tried to improve assertiveness but still find you are acting in a mostly passive or aggressive way, you may find talking to a trained counselor or psychotherapist useful.

Talking to a professional counselor that specializes in assertiveness training may bring back painful memories of unpleasant experiences you have had, but it can help you understand why you act the way you do. It will help you to think differently about yourself and to have constructive, assertive behavior. Many psychotherapists utilize proven cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to gain positive results and you may find it helpful. This is a therapy that involves helping you to overcome unhelpful patterns in the way you think and behave, including aggressive and passive behaviour.

Although it can be overwhelming and intimidating to start behaving more assertively, you will find that it has many benefits. When you act in an assertive way you communicate better and command respect. This can improve your relationships - both at home and at work.

People who have mastered the skill of assertiveness are greatly able to reduce the level of interpersonal conflict in their lives, thereby reducing a major source of stress. When assertive people face problems, they focus on solutions rather than problems, thereby able to resolve conflict successfully. Ultimately, assertive attitudes and behaviors are at the core of living healthy and productive life.

Nonassertive people may be passive or aggressive. Passive individuals are not committed to their own rights and allow others to infringe on their rights rather than to stand up and speak out. On the other hand, aggressive persons are strongly defending their own rights but are also violating the rights of others. Additionally, aggressive individuals insist that their feelings and needs take precedence over other people’s. They also tend to blame others for problems instead of offering solutions.

Lack of assertiveness promotes also low self esteem and social anxiety. While engaging in assertive behavior is rewarding and leads to positive self-esteem and more fulfilling life. Whenever you see someone being assertive, rather than passive, aggressive, or both, you are witnessing an act of healthy self-esteem. Whenever you see someone verbally attacking others to get what they want, or being indirect about what they want, or silently enduring something they don’t want, you’re witnessing the result and perpetuation of injured self-esteem. So, while it’s clear that having high self-esteem makes it easier to practice assertive communication, it should also be noted that acting assertively promotes healthy self-esteem.

Solid self-esteem brings with it a sense of self-confidence and empowerment, and grants us the ability to move through the world to overcome life’s challenges, difficulties, and setbacks. Assertiveness is the ability to confidently and non-aggressively put forth what one needs and wants. It also includes the ability to draw lines and enforce boundaries where needed. Self-esteem, self-confidence and assertiveness are behaviors that are learned – and it is never too late to learn and practice these positive aspects of self-care.

Many of the ideas now associated with assertiveness training were first proposed in Manuel J Smith’s book When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, published in 1975. The book explains that assertiveness is largely about expressing oneself clearly and resisting manipulation. It proclaims a ten-point ‘Bill of Assertive Rights‘, all based around one key principle: “The right to be the final judge of yourself is the prime assertive right which allows no one to manipulate you.”

The ‘Bill of Assertive Rights’ in When I Say No, I Feel Guilty reads as follows:

• You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.
• You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.
• You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems.
• You have the right to change your mind.
• You have the right to make mistakes – and be responsible for them.
• You have the right to say, “I don’t know.”
• You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.
• You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
• You have the right to say, “I don’t understand.”
• You have the right to say, “I don’t care.”

Remember, assertiveness is not about my needs mattering more than yours, or me getting what I want at your expense. Assertiveness is instead an affirmation of my right to ask for what I want. Even if you say no, it was okay for me to ask. Just as you’re allowed to ask for what you want. Just as I’m allowed to say no if I’m not prepared to give it to you, etc. When one person exercises her rights, she inspires others to do the same.

The chaos theory was metaphorically described by Maxim in the following way: “A butterfly fluttering its wings over a flower in china can set in motion a series of events which result in a storm over the Caribbean.” The scientific chaos theory seems to be described in a very spiritual, holistic and systemic perspective and powerfully illustrates the strength of universal connectivity and interdependence.

When we specifically apply that concept to interpersonal relationships, we cannot avoid but seeing that in today world humans tend to be more self focus (“what is it for me”) rather than engaging in altruistic activities and seeing the long-term benefits associated with giving and collaboration for the  “greater good,” including ourselves.

The inter-connectivity and interdependence to be effective also requires a balance perspective. Like everything in life, it probably comes down to balance of avoiding deficiency or excess in all aspects including physical, emotional and spiritual areas. Whether on a national, community or personal level, excess in one area always results in deficiency in another area.

This is why some suggest that the future of humanity is dependent on individuals, societies and nations working together in a compassion, generous and interdependence way to establish a universal balance. The underline needs of individuals are the driving forces of our emotions (including anger) and behavior. It is therefore necessary for us to figure out our need and expressing it assertively while respecting others. This attitude will lead to better connectivity, understanding and global harmony and balance. In other words, individuals must practically understand the need to balance our own needs and wants against those of other individuals, groups, nations and all of humanity.

One of the most important elements of building self esteem among children is the way parents criticize and praise their kids. Negative criticism implies that affection or approval is conditional on good performance. Positive criticism implies that we approve you regardless of the result of your performance.

• Encourage your child to have “doing-your-best” attitude and accepting it regardless of the outcome.
• Never tell kids that second best is not good enough or a failure. Ask your children to evaluate their performance. “Are you happy with it?” “Why?” “What did you get out of it?” Ask: “What would you do differently next time?”
• Ask a child what he needs in order to do as well as he wants. Maybe your child needs more sleep or to learn how to prioritize, or maybe need more practice.
• Offer support verbally and nonverbally. Validate his challenges. Empathize with the child: “This stuff is difficult, isn’t it?”  “It is ok, we can learn from it and do better next time.”
• Teach your child to plan and prioritize. If your child leaves her homework for the last minute and consequently doesn’t do well on a test, don’t be harsh with “I told you so.” Instead, capitalize on his own disappointment. “You’re disappointed with the way things turned out, are you?” Ask: “What can you do next time to be more prepared and make it better?”
• Words of encouragement work like magic. Few words of appreciation get results where criticism and ridicule fail. Give honest and sincere appreciation and encouragement to kids and they would do anything for you.
• Reward the process, attitude and the effort, not the talent or the product. Shifting focus to effort illuminates the key to mastery and improvement (not perfection).
• When a child gets a high grade on a paper, resist the urge to say: “You’re brilliant” or you are the best. These are not authentic statements. Instead say: “You’re a really good thinker.” Be specific: It’s great that you connected X to Y (a behavior to the outcome). Or ask a question that focuses attention on the thinking: “What got you interested in this?” If you praise kids’ intelligence and then they fail at something, they think they’re not smart anymore, and they lose interest in work. But kids praised for effort get energized in the face of difficulty and challenges.
• Praising effort makes kids (and adults) being aware of their own mental health. The brain is built so that it generates positive mood states – and subdues negative ones – as it works hard toward a meaningful goal.
• Do not supply material rewards for achievement. Instead, congratulate your kid. Ask why things worked out so well and what your child attributes her success to. You want kids to understand exactly which efforts pay off in which situations. Supplying external rewards kills internal motivation and turns an activity into inspiration-crushing work.

If we have the desire, we can find numerous good things about our kids in one single day. Don’t waste time in finding words for the perfect praise. Just keep our eyes and ears open and discover the little things we can appreciate our kids about, and tell them about it!

Communication skills are essential to healthy long lasting relationships. Below, please find a few tips for improving your communication skills.

• Be aware of your feelings and know that you have the right to feel any feeling (boredom, hate, lust, awe). Good communication starts with understanding yourself.
• Understand the need behind the feelings
• Express your needs in a constructive, assertive way
• Communicate in the appropriate time. It is more productive to talk about important issues when both people are rested, sober, and ready for a serious talk. It’s wise to avoid serious discussions when you are tired, or too angry.
• Either person should have the right to end the discussion if it gets too angry or out of control. It should be rescheduled one to two days later so that both people be able to communicate in ways that will help reach some type of agreement.
• It is helpful to use “I messages” in conflict situations. “I feel upset when you are late.” Avoid “you messages” such as “You are always late”. You have the right to feel any feeling but in conflict situations it’s best to avoid “you messages” which imply judgment.
• Use a “consultant” approach. It’s helpful to use “proposal” language. “I propose that we only eat out once a month in order to save money”. Proposal language invites the other person to negotiate with you if they don’t agree with you idea. Proposal language eliminates power and control issues.
• Remember that the way you say things-your voice tone and body language-communicate more than your words. Respectful tones are helpful.

Relationship is important to life and to health and having a healthy one start with being assertive while utilizing  constructive communication skills.

Like physical exercise, self confidence exercises are a way of building strength. Instead of focusing on physical strength, you build character, mental health and self-respect. Building self-confidence is a mental exercise. It is about doing courage and taking risks. I am saying doing courage and not building courage since courage is already within you. You just need to make decision and act upon it. Taking risks are the very first steps toward building self-worth.

When you build up your courage, you improve your self-esteem and become more assertive. You are more likely to take risks that will guide you toward your destination while challenging yourself. Every time you face fear and anxiety, you also have an opportunity to grow and build your self esteem. Fear will fall way behind you when you build up your courage level. You must not allow your fears to take control of your life, you must gain as much courage as possible to master all of your fears.

Improving your courage will help you manage your life more effectively. You will learn new ways to take responsible actions and accept their consequences. Courageous individuals reflect on their actions and learned from it. They learned from their mistakes and accept them no matter what. They also accept the challenge and see that as an opportunity

To do courage, you must be willing to put forth the effort to find these resources. You may feel intimidated at times. However, this is normal. And if you are willing to take these situations with an open mind, and accept the challenge (see it as an opportunity), you will find it easier to improve your self-esteem.

Confidence is an “action energy.” It is the ability to face fear, loss, change and challenges. Confidence and assertiveness is characterized by durability, resiliency and also flexibility. Self-confidence provides the capacity to live a full and creative life, and the flexibility to deal with life’s inevitable challenges.

Assertiveness is a communication style. It is the ability to express your feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and opinions in a direct, respectful and open manner that doesn’t violate the rights of others.

If we do express ourselves openly and conceal our thoughts and feelings this can make us feel tense, stressed, anxious or resentful. It possibly would lead to unhealthy and uncomfortable relationships as we don’t feel safe and loves while not allowing people closest to us to really know us.

The main effect of not being assertive is that it leads to low self esteem. If we communicate in a passive manner we are not saying what we really feel or think. This means we can end up agreeing with and fulfilling other people’s needs or wants rather than our own. Lack of expression of needs might leads to depression. This can result in a lack of purpose, and a feeling of not being in control of our own lives.

Lack of assertiveness is also very common in social phobia. People with social anxiety tend to think that other people are being judgmental and critical about them and will avoid social situations because of this.

Being assertive involves first of all choosing to communicate – being active rather than passive – and then doing so in a manner that’s both respectful and honest. Becoming more assertive is rewarding as it increases your self-esteem and social ability and allows you to have more fulfilling life.