Anger management or the ability to constructively process our emotional state is key to our well being. Everyone gets angry, but not everyone knows how to manage it. The problem is not about getting angry, but rather what we do with the anger. The meaning we attached to the anger and taking the appropriate action is the key to managing anger.

When our view of life comes from a position of entitlement and/or high level of expectations, then when don’t get what we want or our expectations are not met, we become angry. When we require life, relationship or our partner to be an ideal, without imperfections, faults or inconsistencies, we cannot avoid of being angry. If we expect life to be fair, we cannot avoid of being angry when we are treated unfairly, or when we don’t like the situation. When we adapt a victim mentality or attitude, and see the “others” as bad or negative (the “enemy”) that want to hurt us, we feel that we are entitled to be angry since we think as a victim and need to protect ourselves.

In addition, when we suffer from lack of self esteem, poor self-image, low self respect or a negative self image, we are having difficulties in tolerating conflict or accept criticism from others. This is why healthy self esteem is important element in managing anger. The ability to resolve conflict, negotiate or collaborate is based on increased awareness, realistic perspective, self respect and empathy as well as assertive behavior.

Many people who experience anger problems do not take responsibility for their anger and refuse to see their contribution to the negative situation. They avoid seeing how their perspective effect their behavior and what is their part in the negative relationship. Every time that they insist of being right and having attachment to such unhealthy view, they take the position that being right is more important than the relationship. As a result, a vicious cycle of reactivity and anger is amplify and the relationship suffers.

To manage anger in a healthy way, we need to be able to accept responsibility to our anger and emotion, to calm down and then to express our anger assertively. Accordingly, it is crucial to express ourselves from the perspective of what is hurting us and what we need. This attitude, focus on the “I” rather than the “YOU.” It express personal needs rather than blame the other and done so in a constructive communication style. If we are able to pause, stop and think before acting rather than impulsively react on our anger, we can process our feelings, understand what is causing it, then we can better understand what stimulate our anger and express our needs in a healthy way.

We must understand that our anger emotion is the result of our own subjective perception and response to reality. Once we understand and accept that our anger belongs exclusively to us and that it is created as a result of our view of the situation, we are moving toward a positive direction of managing our anger. Accordingly, the ability to develop realistic expectations for oneself and others will help to eliminate anger problems.

This is why being responsible to our anger is the cornerstone of all healthy relationships. Accepting responsibility to our anger, being able to process it constructively increases our ability to resolve anger and conflict and develop more healthy and happy relationships.

Clear communication is an important part of assertiveness. In communication is where assertiveness can manifest it self the most (or not). This is where you show:

• knowledge – you are able to understand and summarize the situation
• feelings – you can explain your feelings about the situation
• needs – you are able to explain clearly what you want or need, giving your reasons and any benefits to the other party

It isn’t just the content of what you say that counts; it is the way you put it across (the process of how you communicate the content). Assertive communication helps to:

• be honest with yourself about your own feelings
• keep calm and stick to the point
• be clear, specific and direct
• if you meet objections, listen to the other person’s point of view whilst ensuring that your message is clear
• try to offer alternative solutions if you can
• ask, if you are unsure about something
• if the other person tries to create a diversion, point this out calmly and repeat your message
• use appropriate body language
• always respect the rights and point of view of the other person
• own your messages by using “I” – for example, it’s more constructive to say “I don’t agree with you” than “you’re wrong”
• remember, you have the right to make mistakes and so does everyone else

Assertiveness communication requires a co-operative, respectful and mutually beneficial relationships. Assertiveness is an attitude and a way of relating to the outside world, backed up by a set of skills for effective communication. By mastering effective and assertiveness communication you move forward and empower yourself despite conflicts and challenges.

Lack of assertiveness can affect your relationships and quality of life, as you fail to communicate effectively and probably end up not getting what you want. Family life, career prospects and stress levels can all be affected by non-assertive behavior.

By examining carefully the way you communicate with others, there are a number of ways in which you can begin to assert yourself, helping to improve your quality of life. In this regards, assertiveness training can provide you the necessary skills and benefits. You may read books, articles about the subject (the internet is a large resource). If you have tried to improve assertiveness but still find you are acting in a mostly passive or aggressive way, you may find talking to a trained counselor or psychotherapist useful.

Talking to a professional counselor that specializes in assertiveness training may bring back painful memories of unpleasant experiences you have had, but it can help you understand why you act the way you do. It will help you to think differently about yourself and to have constructive, assertive behavior. Many psychotherapists utilize proven cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to gain positive results and you may find it helpful. This is a therapy that involves helping you to overcome unhelpful patterns in the way you think and behave, including aggressive and passive behaviour.

Although it can be overwhelming and intimidating to start behaving more assertively, you will find that it has many benefits. When you act in an assertive way you communicate better and command respect. This can improve your relationships - both at home and at work.

Every time you shift your thinking and choose a positive and constructive attitude, you upgrade the software of your mind and build your self esteem. You send a clear message to your brain that says: “I am responsible for my attitude and happiness and choose to do what it takes to be fulfilled.”

This does not mean that there won’t be times when you are confronted with fear of failure or success, or that you won’t, on occasion, question your ability. What it does mean is that as soon as you notice you are feeling” less than” or “not good enough” you will:

1. Be aware and awake to your thoughts and feelings.
2. Identify the thoughts that result in your feelings negatively.
   (What are you telling yourself about the situation, which many times results of low self esteem?)
3. Shift your attention to thoughts supporting healthy and constructive one (which build positive self esteem.)

Here is an example of how it works: It is the fall season and all of the leaves have fallen. A couple spends many hours working on their yard fixing it. The wife says to her husband, “We have really gotten a lot accomplished today.” She focuses on the action. The husband assesses that the yard will take at least another six- to eight hours of work, so he replies, “We haven’t even made a dent in it yet.” The wife says, “Well, we filled up 30 bags, and I think that’s great.” The husband says, “We have at least 60 more bags to go.”

Who do you think most enjoys doing the work? Who is more appreciative of the actual experience of raking leaves? If we could interview the wife and the husband, we would find that the wife actually appreciated the sunny, chilly day and the fitness involved in the rigorous work. She was able to see the progress being made. The husband, on the other hand, is on a mission to complete the task; therefore he is overwhelmed by the work and that’s all he can think about—the work that is left undone.

If you want to have a powerful, constructive and passionate life, then you need to focus on the positives. Why not focusing on what you want, rather on what you don’t want. Why not focusing on accepting yourself, rather than rejecting yourself. So, focus on the positives, rather than the negatives. Remember, your thoughts are the most powerful thing you own.

Self-affirmation refers to behavioral or cognitive events that sustain, support and strengthen the perceived integrity of the self. Examples of self-affirming events include: (1) receiving positive feedback from others, and (2) reflecting upon positive aspects of oneself.

Positive affirmation is similar to real state or an asset of being that exists in you. You can achieve a full list of I am Y statements by taking a personal positive inventory of your attributes, strengths, talents, and competencies. Examples include: I am competent.., I am energetic, I am strong, I am intelligent, I am a good person, I am trusting, I am caring, I am generous, I am courageous, I am open, etc.

I suggest that every morning when you get up choose one of positive self-esteem affirmations. Say it to yourself throughout the day as many times as possible. Say it with enthusiasm and power. You can change the affirmation daily or you can stick with the one you like. Let it soak into your brain to fill it up with positive, encouraging energy.

The morning is a good time as you more relaxed after sleeping and you begin the day without being concerned about the challenges ahead of you. If you think about these positive affirmations first, you initiate positive feelings right at the beginning of the day and develop an optimistic attitude. If you are cultivating positive thoughts you are more likely to be constructive and successful.

By focusing and acknowledging your positives, you are really tipping the scales of self-evaluation back into balance, moving from the negative side to the positive side. Start a log and write them down in a journal or worksheet so that you remember it and know exactly where to find it. In this way, the positive qualities won’t get lost.

Also, it is important to note, you don’t have to do these positive things absolutely perfectly or 100% of the time – that is impossible. So be realistic about what you write down and look for gradual small incremental changes that would lead you toward desire change.

Re-read these affirmation and achievements you write in your journal, reading them over and over with care and consideration. Reflect on what you have written at the end of the day, week, or month. Let all the positive qualities pile up and “sink in.” This is really important so that you learn to take notice of these things and feel more comfortable acknowledging them, rather than just giving them lip-service. Developing a positive mindset is one of the most powerful life strategies there is.

A flame like emotion is a primitive force, left unchecked is chaotic and destructive, but if controlled, it can be powerful tool. Like the lamp that controls the flame, our brain can control our emotions, and we as human can learn to manage our emotions in a constructive manner.

In the past (as a child), your anger was a source of strength and at time gave you courage while it protected you. It serves you as a “survival mechanism.” But, now, as an adult if you realize that you are not in this a survival situation, you can build a better mechanism to protect yourself and use the emotions as a signal and indicator to your status.

When you pay attention to this signal (the emotion) try stay with it and not to react to it. Then, you can slowly figure out what this signal means and what is your need. Once you realize your need, think and find a constructive way to express your need in a respectful assertive manner. It is important to note that expressing your needs does not necessary leads to fulfilling your needs. In this regards, one has to know what is within his power and what is beyond his power. All one can do it to do his best (with in his power) to get what he needs, yet accept what is beyond his power and accept it.

Originated in StarTrek and Revised by Moshe Ratson

It is clear that our moods are influenced by our physical chemistry and by the negative or positive events that happened to us. It is apparent that we cannot change or prevent certain events (good or bad) from happening to us from time to time. Yet, this is only part of factors that influence our moods and it offers limited view of our emotional system.

The Greek philosopher, Epictetus said, Men are not disturbed by things, but by the views they take of them. In other words, our emotions and moods are actually not caused by the events happened to us directly, but rather our emotions are affected by the meaning we give to the events themselves. As such, we get upset, angry, content or happy as a result of the way we inter-operate and think about the events.

This old yet revolutionary knowledge has a tremendous power. It allows us to change our position from a passive and victim view to a proactive and responsible view. It gives us the power to change the way we feel by changing the way we think; to choose healthy and constructive thoughts that lead to durable and fulfilling life. It allows us to move from a beyond our control position to within our control position. The within of our control position does not mean necessary to get what we want, but rather to do our best (within our power) to get what we want and to accept what is beyond our control. In other words, accept the things you cannot change (beyond your control), and change the things (within your control) that you cannot accept. Again, the adaptation of this philosophy builds self esteem and self confidence and creates durable and fulfilling life.