Anger management or the ability to constructively process our emotional state is key to our well being. Everyone gets angry, but not everyone knows how to manage it. The problem is not about getting angry, but rather what we do with the anger. The meaning we attached to the anger and taking the appropriate action is the key to managing anger.

When our view of life comes from a position of entitlement and/or high level of expectations, then when don’t get what we want or our expectations are not met, we become angry. When we require life, relationship or our partner to be an ideal, without imperfections, faults or inconsistencies, we cannot avoid of being angry. If we expect life to be fair, we cannot avoid of being angry when we are treated unfairly, or when we don’t like the situation. When we adapt a victim mentality or attitude, and see the “others” as bad or negative (the “enemy”) that want to hurt us, we feel that we are entitled to be angry since we think as a victim and need to protect ourselves.

In addition, when we suffer from lack of self esteem, poor self-image, low self respect or a negative self image, we are having difficulties in tolerating conflict or accept criticism from others. This is why healthy self esteem is important element in managing anger. The ability to resolve conflict, negotiate or collaborate is based on increased awareness, realistic perspective, self respect and empathy as well as assertive behavior.

Many people who experience anger problems do not take responsibility for their anger and refuse to see their contribution to the negative situation. They avoid seeing how their perspective effect their behavior and what is their part in the negative relationship. Every time that they insist of being right and having attachment to such unhealthy view, they take the position that being right is more important than the relationship. As a result, a vicious cycle of reactivity and anger is amplify and the relationship suffers.

To manage anger in a healthy way, we need to be able to accept responsibility to our anger and emotion, to calm down and then to express our anger assertively. Accordingly, it is crucial to express ourselves from the perspective of what is hurting us and what we need. This attitude, focus on the “I” rather than the “YOU.” It express personal needs rather than blame the other and done so in a constructive communication style. If we are able to pause, stop and think before acting rather than impulsively react on our anger, we can process our feelings, understand what is causing it, then we can better understand what stimulate our anger and express our needs in a healthy way.

We must understand that our anger emotion is the result of our own subjective perception and response to reality. Once we understand and accept that our anger belongs exclusively to us and that it is created as a result of our view of the situation, we are moving toward a positive direction of managing our anger. Accordingly, the ability to develop realistic expectations for oneself and others will help to eliminate anger problems.

This is why being responsible to our anger is the cornerstone of all healthy relationships. Accepting responsibility to our anger, being able to process it constructively increases our ability to resolve anger and conflict and develop more healthy and happy relationships.

Clear communication is an important part of assertiveness. In communication is where assertiveness can manifest it self the most (or not). This is where you show:

• knowledge – you are able to understand and summarize the situation
• feelings – you can explain your feelings about the situation
• needs – you are able to explain clearly what you want or need, giving your reasons and any benefits to the other party

It isn’t just the content of what you say that counts; it is the way you put it across (the process of how you communicate the content). Assertive communication helps to:

• be honest with yourself about your own feelings
• keep calm and stick to the point
• be clear, specific and direct
• if you meet objections, listen to the other person’s point of view whilst ensuring that your message is clear
• try to offer alternative solutions if you can
• ask, if you are unsure about something
• if the other person tries to create a diversion, point this out calmly and repeat your message
• use appropriate body language
• always respect the rights and point of view of the other person
• own your messages by using “I” – for example, it’s more constructive to say “I don’t agree with you” than “you’re wrong”
• remember, you have the right to make mistakes and so does everyone else

Assertiveness communication requires a co-operative, respectful and mutually beneficial relationships. Assertiveness is an attitude and a way of relating to the outside world, backed up by a set of skills for effective communication. By mastering effective and assertiveness communication you move forward and empower yourself despite conflicts and challenges.

Relationships are richer if they have some of each of the following types of intimacy.

Shared Intimacy: A connection we get from participating in the same activity with another person. The activity can be anything from washing dishes, going for a walk, watching a movie, having sex or parenting. The common theme here is that by sharing the activity we feel more connected. Usually connection occurs nonverbally in this type of intimacy.

Other-Validated Intimacy: This is the connection established when we share our emotional experience with another person and they validate it – they respect and sympathize with our take on it, they tell us our emotions are valuable and valid, or they simply welcome our sharing with kindness and understanding. The message we receive is that our experience is OK, we are welcomed and understood, and that it is safe to be open with this person. This is the kind of experience that draws most couples together and is what the “honeymoon” period is all about.

Self-Validated Intimacy: In this type of intimacy, we are open with the other person even though they do not validate us. Unlike in other-validated intimacy, we must provide ourselves an internal sense that our emotions or thoughts are valuable, appropriate, welcomed and understood. This allows us to be honest with our partner even when we expect them to not like what we have to say or do. This requires courage, and it is the only way that members of the couple can stop “pleasing” and really be who they are. As couples mature there is more of this kind of intimacy. In order to support your partner in self-validated intimacy, it is important to be respectful and it is helpful to not humiliate them or abandon them when they share something you do not like or agree with.

Ideally, couples experience all three types of intimacy regularly. The research indicates that happy couples have 5 times as much pleasant experience with one another than negative. So to be happy together, set time aside to have a wide variety of fun together regularly. The more you engage in the above three kinds of intimacy, you will create a greater and more satisfying relationship for both of you.

Conflict in life is natural. We need to learn to accept it as given. If we don’t accept this notion, conflict becomes destructive. There is no such thing as a conflict-free relationship. Conflict is a normal and necessary part of healthy relationships. After all, two people can’t be expected to agree on everything at all times. You may get rid of your partner, but you probably will keep your problem caring it to the next relationship.

May couples become helplessly locked in power struggle and conflicting desires, yet you can learn the skills to develop healthy interaction that manage conflict in a constructive way. Once you are committed to remove yourself from the power struggle and resolve conflict in a win-win situation, you set yourself toward the path of deep love and intimacy.

A successful relationship means being aware of our nature and learn more effective relational coping skills rather than complaining, withdrawing, being angry and stuck in the power struggle. The key to successful conflict resolution is the knowledge and acceptance that all parties in the conflict have legitimate needs.

Addressing and considering the needs of the parties will provide the long-term success. In any relationship, a lack of understanding about differing needs can result in distance, arguments, and break-ups. When you can recognize the legitimacy of conflicting needs and become willing to examine them in an environment of compassionate understanding, it opens pathways to creative problem solving, team building, and improved relationships.

Most of the time when we talk about low libido or low sex drive, we usually think of women who lost their interest in sex. But the fact is that many man experience periods of reduced sex drive. Variety of reasons could cause low interest in sex, for examples, unhealthy relationship, job stress, financial pressure, anxiety, depression and other mental health issues. Also, certain illnesses, medication or drugs negatively affect sexual desire.

If the sexual issue is not addressed early, the problem can be compounded while creating a vicious cycle. For example, depression can lead to low sex drive, which worsen depression, which leads to unhealthy eating choices and avoiding exercise. This in turn decreases sexual drive even further, which make the situation spiral down.

As mentioned, both man and women face such problems and more so in today’s increased pressure. This is why communication between couples is the foundation for healthy relationship. Mutually open and supportive environment is key to successful relationship. It enables individuals to express their issue in a safe and healthy atmosphere, allowing them to express their concerns, feelings and needs and clarify to expectations.

When facing with a sexual desire issue, it is important to see a doctor to determine if the cause of the low sexual drive is due to physical factor or psychological factor. In case of psychological reasons, it would be wise to involve a professional, such psychotherapist, couples counselor or sex therapist. In some cases, it would be even a necessity. A therapist can help illuminate some problems that may be hidden in the unconscious and provide alternatives to resolve them.

The following are a few questions to ponder in regards to the meaning of your life:

• What makes you smile? (Activities, people, events, hobbies, projects, etc.)
• What are you most grateful for?
• What is your greatest talent?
• When do you most feel that my life is meaningful?
• What did you do last year that give you strong feelings of self-respect?
• What are the ideals, causes you would be willing to dedicate your life for?
• Do you express your love to those who means most to you?
• What would you change if you could live my life over?
• What would bring more happiness into my life?
• What are the most significant accomplishments you have made in the past five years?
• What are the three biggest mistakes you have made in the past five years?
• What have you learnt from these mistakes?
• Do you have a vision of where you want to be within five and ten years from now?
• State your current life goals?
• What do you do to achieve these goals?
• What can you do in the next year toward these goals?
• What goals can you set for yourself for the next three years?
• What are the three pieces of advice you can give your children?
• Do you implement these advices in your life? If not, why?
• What one decision you avoided making last year?
• What are the most important relationships in your life?
• What can you do to strengthen these relationships now?
• What are three things you would like to change about yourself?
• Which is worse, failing or never trying?
• Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
• Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
• Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
• If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
• Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

The above meaningful questions have no right or wrong answers. Yet, sometimes only asking the right questions is the answer. You are the only one that can ask them and answer them.

No matter how great your fiance or love relationship is, there are a few things you need to discuss and even negotiate before you get married (premarital). The below questions may help you reflect on your relationship and help you to focus on the areas that require change or improvement.

• What is the meaning of family? Marriage?
• What love and intimacy means to you? How is it manifest in your life?
• What is the meaning of trust? Freedom? Autonomy? Independence?
• What is your view of what being a wife, husband, mother, father means to you?
• What is the role of your work or occupation? How do you balance work and other roles?
• What are your personal aspirations and goals as individuals and together?
• What attracted you to each other?
• In what significant ways are your different? Similar?
• When do you feel most fulfilled, least fulfilled in your relationship?
• How safe do you feel expressing your innermost thoughts, needs and feelings to your partner?
• Do you proactively nurture your intimate relationship? What do you do to please your partner?
• How supportive are you of your partner’s development?
• How do you resolve your conflicts successfully?
• Do you spend time in activities away from your partner? How often?
• What do we know about our preferences for intimacy?

Premarital counseling can facilitate the process of discussing these questions before getting married. But if counseling isn’t an option, these questions will help engaged couples learn important things about one another.

In intimate relationship, we find ourselves not once in serious problems that badly affect relationships. Problems such infidelity, abuse, financial difficulties, work stress and addictions are only few examples of “big challenges.” However, not once, relationships break down not because of these big issues but rather because of “the small matters,” such as papers on the coffee table, socks on the floor, dirty dishes in the kitchen, being late for meetings, talking on the phone for a long time etc. These petty issues (which carry an important meaning on the eyes of the interpreter) pile up to make the person in a relationship feel unloved, unheard, underappreciated and even controlled.

Yet, it is important to understand that these small issues pile up into a vast, submerged force when they take on a different meaning in your mind. When you are on a “mission to find evidence of a character flaw or moral defect in your partner, you definitely will find it. When you are involved in mind-reading or assuming the intention of your partner, there is a good chance you are going to fail. It is similar to a self-fulfilling view or attitude. The outcome of that search is that your partner is a selfish and self-absorbed and that his or her needs are always first.

Every annoyance in a relationship is really a two-way street. Partners focus on what they are getting (mostly on the negatives), not on what they are giving. But no matter how frustrating a partner’s behavior, your interpretation of the issue is the greater part of it. What matters is the meaning you attach to it.

One of the great expressions I have heard was “You don’t really live with your partner in your home. You live with your partner in your head.” Accordingly, if you want to stay in a relationship and have more fulfilling one, your perception needs to change to become healthier. That means for you to become more accepting, more forgiving and in short focusing on the positive things your partner has rather than the negative things your partners has (remember the half-glass full).

Challenges, conflicts and irritations are inevitable in relationships and are normal part of life. Individuals value things differently, view the world in different perspective, and has different needs and wants. This is why relationship is so much difficult, yet very interesting and attractive. To make it works, individuals first have to understand this concept, accept it and let go of the “ideal partners,” while believing that their habit, preference and life style must align perfectly with their partners. Thereafter, partners must learn how to be respectful and considerate, while focusing on how to negotiate and live with the irritants of their partners in a constructive way.

The most important relationship we will ever have in our lives is the one we have with ourselves. If we feel good with ourselves, accept ourselves and think positively about ourselves, then we become fulfilled. Therefore, how we relate to ourselves will determine how happy we will be.

Building self esteem is probably the most important factor that leads to happy and fulfilling life. Healthy self esteem requires self knowledge, self acceptance, empathy, compassion, self respect and personal understanding. To achieve these states, it requires ongoing personal work. This work can be enhanced by a competent psychotherapist who can guide you through the process. Self esteem is founded on a fundamental understanding of who we are, what we need, where we are and where we want to be. Self-esteem is the psychological foundation that our personality is built upon. The stronger our sense of self, the more we will be able to withstand the storms and difficulties that come along with life’s challenges.

Improving self esteem and building confidence requires the development of abilities such flexibility, durability, acceptance, engagement and being present while developing appreciation. By building our character, we improve our self value and enhance our internal strength and internal freedom, rather than allowing our externals constrains to limit us or control us. This in turn leads to the creation of a durable, flexible and fulfilling life.

Self esteem is knowing how life really is, and accepting life as it is. It is not about imposing our expectations or idealized notion of how life should be. It is not about blaming ourselves or others when life doesn’t turn out that way. Learning to live with how life is, and developing an understanding, compassionate relationship with ourselves is the key to healthier self esteem. As such, healthy self esteem is based on the ability to develop realistic goals while acquiring abilities and skills to construct a satisfying life.

Listed below are some of the most important qualities and characteristics that contribute to a healthy relationship.

People in healthy relationship:

• Respect each other and each other differences
• Care about each other and do thing for the other person
• Are gentle with each other (not aggressive and demanding)
• Trust each other, be honest and transparent
• Share thoughts, feelings and needs
• Conduct conflict with “care-fronted” rather than “con-fronted”
• Learn from the past, plan for the future, yet focus on present  priorities and responsibilities
• Knows and values that each person has
• Let each person develop also a life away from the relationship
• Compliment on tasks “well done” or even just the intention
• Listen to each other carefully with a goal to understand
• Establish healthy balance between work and relationship
• Be open and willing to change, creativity and spontaneously, yet honors routine
• Value and appreciate the good things in each person – Focus on the positive
• Willing to forgive and move on without anger and resentment
• Know each other and as well as core values and goals
• Keep learning and growing together (not apart)
• Enjoys humor, laughter and have fun

The above is only a partial list building a successful relationship. Feel free to add to the above list and evaluate your answers. It is important to continuously evaluate your relationship, invest in it and do things to improve your relationship. The return on your investment would be priceless.