Anger management or the ability to constructively process our emotional state is key to our well being. Everyone gets angry, but not everyone knows how to manage it. The problem is not about getting angry, but rather what we do with the anger. The meaning we attached to the anger and taking the appropriate action is the key to managing anger.

When our view of life comes from a position of entitlement and/or high level of expectations, then when don’t get what we want or our expectations are not met, we become angry. When we require life, relationship or our partner to be an ideal, without imperfections, faults or inconsistencies, we cannot avoid of being angry. If we expect life to be fair, we cannot avoid of being angry when we are treated unfairly, or when we don’t like the situation. When we adapt a victim mentality or attitude, and see the “others” as bad or negative (the “enemy”) that want to hurt us, we feel that we are entitled to be angry since we think as a victim and need to protect ourselves.

In addition, when we suffer from lack of self esteem, poor self-image, low self respect or a negative self image, we are having difficulties in tolerating conflict or accept criticism from others. This is why healthy self esteem is important element in managing anger. The ability to resolve conflict, negotiate or collaborate is based on increased awareness, realistic perspective, self respect and empathy as well as assertive behavior.

Many people who experience anger problems do not take responsibility for their anger and refuse to see their contribution to the negative situation. They avoid seeing how their perspective effect their behavior and what is their part in the negative relationship. Every time that they insist of being right and having attachment to such unhealthy view, they take the position that being right is more important than the relationship. As a result, a vicious cycle of reactivity and anger is amplify and the relationship suffers.

To manage anger in a healthy way, we need to be able to accept responsibility to our anger and emotion, to calm down and then to express our anger assertively. Accordingly, it is crucial to express ourselves from the perspective of what is hurting us and what we need. This attitude, focus on the “I” rather than the “YOU.” It express personal needs rather than blame the other and done so in a constructive communication style. If we are able to pause, stop and think before acting rather than impulsively react on our anger, we can process our feelings, understand what is causing it, then we can better understand what stimulate our anger and express our needs in a healthy way.

We must understand that our anger emotion is the result of our own subjective perception and response to reality. Once we understand and accept that our anger belongs exclusively to us and that it is created as a result of our view of the situation, we are moving toward a positive direction of managing our anger. Accordingly, the ability to develop realistic expectations for oneself and others will help to eliminate anger problems.

This is why being responsible to our anger is the cornerstone of all healthy relationships. Accepting responsibility to our anger, being able to process it constructively increases our ability to resolve anger and conflict and develop more healthy and happy relationships.

Fear of Commitment

Fear of commitment is infecting modern relationships. Not only it is difficult to be happy and satisfied with oneself, it is even more difficult to find happiness, satisfaction and fulfilling connection in one’s intimate relationship with another person. It is no wonder that many people react to this challenge by fearing long-term commitment.

The following are few examples how fear of commitment can manifest itself:

• Fear of losing their freedom.
• Waiting for the right one; having the ideal (wrong) notion that there is only one/right person to be committed too.  A ferry tell notion of “living happily ever after.”
• Having a fear of losing their own identity if they were to allow a relationship to develop.
• Expressing high levels of criticism of a partner or relationship; finding faults with others.
• Hurting their partner (deliberately or unconsciously) while sabotaging the relationship. Effectively giving reason for the relationship to fail.
• Having extremely high (unrealistic) expectations in their partners or themselves, so that a relationship doesn’t develop. Rejecting other prematurely and does not allow a potential relationship the opportunity to grow.
• Having multiple partners, while leaving a trail of failed relationships and a lot of tears.
• Rejecting efforts from their partner to discuss marriage or other kind of commitment.
• Interacting with other people who also suffer from commitment issues, so as to avoid any relationship issues to come up.
• Ambivalence and confusion color their decision making particularly in intimate relationship. They may leave a relationship, return to it, leave again, and so on.
• Some individuals may also not be able to commit to work, hobbies, timetables, and even counseling!

Fear of commitment may be originated from several sources. It may be because you witnessed a separation of your parents or any of your near and dear ones. A confusion of social/cultural or parental pressure with your own personal needs/values may lead to fear of commitment. You may have experienced a traumatic (emotional) experience or tragic incident in life who forces you to maintain a safe distance from others. In addition, suffering from low self esteem, issue with identity, enmeshment, boundaries etc. may lead to challenges in this area.

Relationships are richer if they have some of each of the following types of intimacy.

Shared Intimacy: A connection we get from participating in the same activity with another person. The activity can be anything from washing dishes, going for a walk, watching a movie, having sex or parenting. The common theme here is that by sharing the activity we feel more connected. Usually connection occurs nonverbally in this type of intimacy.

Other-Validated Intimacy: This is the connection established when we share our emotional experience with another person and they validate it – they respect and sympathize with our take on it, they tell us our emotions are valuable and valid, or they simply welcome our sharing with kindness and understanding. The message we receive is that our experience is OK, we are welcomed and understood, and that it is safe to be open with this person. This is the kind of experience that draws most couples together and is what the “honeymoon” period is all about.

Self-Validated Intimacy: In this type of intimacy, we are open with the other person even though they do not validate us. Unlike in other-validated intimacy, we must provide ourselves an internal sense that our emotions or thoughts are valuable, appropriate, welcomed and understood. This allows us to be honest with our partner even when we expect them to not like what we have to say or do. This requires courage, and it is the only way that members of the couple can stop “pleasing” and really be who they are. As couples mature there is more of this kind of intimacy. In order to support your partner in self-validated intimacy, it is important to be respectful and it is helpful to not humiliate them or abandon them when they share something you do not like or agree with.

Ideally, couples experience all three types of intimacy regularly. The research indicates that happy couples have 5 times as much pleasant experience with one another than negative. So to be happy together, set time aside to have a wide variety of fun together regularly. The more you engage in the above three kinds of intimacy, you will create a greater and more satisfying relationship for both of you.

Conflict in life is natural. We need to learn to accept it as given. If we don’t accept this notion, conflict becomes destructive. There is no such thing as a conflict-free relationship. Conflict is a normal and necessary part of healthy relationships. After all, two people can’t be expected to agree on everything at all times. You may get rid of your partner, but you probably will keep your problem caring it to the next relationship.

May couples become helplessly locked in power struggle and conflicting desires, yet you can learn the skills to develop healthy interaction that manage conflict in a constructive way. Once you are committed to remove yourself from the power struggle and resolve conflict in a win-win situation, you set yourself toward the path of deep love and intimacy.

A successful relationship means being aware of our nature and learn more effective relational coping skills rather than complaining, withdrawing, being angry and stuck in the power struggle. The key to successful conflict resolution is the knowledge and acceptance that all parties in the conflict have legitimate needs.

Addressing and considering the needs of the parties will provide the long-term success. In any relationship, a lack of understanding about differing needs can result in distance, arguments, and break-ups. When you can recognize the legitimacy of conflicting needs and become willing to examine them in an environment of compassionate understanding, it opens pathways to creative problem solving, team building, and improved relationships.

Has the convenience that technology given to us also hindered us from overcoming social anxiety? Has technology made managing social anxiety even more difficult by placing a virtual wall between human interaction and physical contact? The fact is that the Internet acts as a buffer between people. Living in the age of the Internet, cell phone, email, messaging, online social sites and caller ID, makes it easier for a socially anxious person to avoid managing social situations and by that make it difficult to overcome social anxiety disorder.

The advanced technology has made it possible for people to make a living, go shopping, use services, and have “relationships” without ever seeing or directly interacting with another person. The high-tech society of today seems to cater to the person who suffers from social anxiety.  Eventually, living in this virtual world can be detrimental and deeply unsatisfying.

Technology is like a fine wine. A glass of wine a day is good for you. However, if you drink too much, it can kill brain cells and also can cause liver problems. Technology, like wine, can affect your relationships if you take in too much of it and let it control your life.

It is great to have friends from all over the world that I’ve never met and probably never will, but I think it can also limit your growth when it comes to getting past the reality of shyness and social anxiety. It is important to understand that technology is a tool that can be helpful, but we need to use it wisely and apply what we learn with it, to the outside world. We have to make sure we don’t use technology as a crutch to avoid physical and mental social interaction.

When you have intimate partner, you expect a partner who you support emotionally to support you in the same manner. Unfortunately, if one of the individuals has ADD, the non-ADD partner sometimes has to overcompensate to do their partner’s part, as well as their own. That situation introduces a great source of stress and frequently the non-ADHD spouses begin to feel angry, overwhelmed and resentful while s/he becomes critical and accusatory. Frustrations and tempers become more common and the relationship starts to deteriorate.

Therefore, it is very important for the non-ADHD spouse to develop an understanding of the impact ADHD can have on an individual’s daily functioning as well as the relationship. Adult ADD symptoms include inattention, distractibility, longer time to get things done, time management challenges, organization, forgetfulness and procrastination. These symptoms are chronic since childhood and persist into adulthood. These symptoms also tend to worsen as an individual’s environment becomes more stressed and as demands in life increase.

Most often the problematic behaviors of the ADHD partner are a function of an inability and impairment rather than a motivation issue. Yet, if the ADHD spouse is receptive to diagnosis and treatment, functionality typically improves fairly dramatically. Hopefully, with this knowledge, understanding and empathy the non-ADHD spouse is often less frustrated.

Communication skills are essential to healthy long lasting relationships. Below, please find a few tips for improving your communication skills.

• Be aware of your feelings and know that you have the right to feel any feeling (boredom, hate, lust, awe). Good communication starts with understanding yourself.
• Understand the need behind the feelings
• Express your needs in a constructive, assertive way
• Communicate in the appropriate time. It is more productive to talk about important issues when both people are rested, sober, and ready for a serious talk. It’s wise to avoid serious discussions when you are tired, or too angry.
• Either person should have the right to end the discussion if it gets too angry or out of control. It should be rescheduled one to two days later so that both people be able to communicate in ways that will help reach some type of agreement.
• It is helpful to use “I messages” in conflict situations. “I feel upset when you are late.” Avoid “you messages” such as “You are always late”. You have the right to feel any feeling but in conflict situations it’s best to avoid “you messages” which imply judgment.
• Use a “consultant” approach. It’s helpful to use “proposal” language. “I propose that we only eat out once a month in order to save money”. Proposal language invites the other person to negotiate with you if they don’t agree with you idea. Proposal language eliminates power and control issues.
• Remember that the way you say things-your voice tone and body language-communicate more than your words. Respectful tones are helpful.

Relationship is important to life and to health and having a healthy one start with being assertive while utilizing  constructive communication skills.

Every time you shift your thinking and choose a positive and constructive attitude, you upgrade the software of your mind and build your self esteem. You send a clear message to your brain that says: “I am responsible for my attitude and happiness and choose to do what it takes to be fulfilled.”

This does not mean that there won’t be times when you are confronted with fear of failure or success, or that you won’t, on occasion, question your ability. What it does mean is that as soon as you notice you are feeling” less than” or “not good enough” you will:

1. Be aware and awake to your thoughts and feelings.
2. Identify the thoughts that result in your feelings negatively.
   (What are you telling yourself about the situation, which many times results of low self esteem?)
3. Shift your attention to thoughts supporting healthy and constructive one (which build positive self esteem.)

Here is an example of how it works: It is the fall season and all of the leaves have fallen. A couple spends many hours working on their yard fixing it. The wife says to her husband, “We have really gotten a lot accomplished today.” She focuses on the action. The husband assesses that the yard will take at least another six- to eight hours of work, so he replies, “We haven’t even made a dent in it yet.” The wife says, “Well, we filled up 30 bags, and I think that’s great.” The husband says, “We have at least 60 more bags to go.”

Who do you think most enjoys doing the work? Who is more appreciative of the actual experience of raking leaves? If we could interview the wife and the husband, we would find that the wife actually appreciated the sunny, chilly day and the fitness involved in the rigorous work. She was able to see the progress being made. The husband, on the other hand, is on a mission to complete the task; therefore he is overwhelmed by the work and that’s all he can think about—the work that is left undone.

If you want to have a powerful, constructive and passionate life, then you need to focus on the positives. Why not focusing on what you want, rather on what you don’t want. Why not focusing on accepting yourself, rather than rejecting yourself. So, focus on the positives, rather than the negatives. Remember, your thoughts are the most powerful thing you own.

In intimate relationship, we find ourselves not once in serious problems that badly affect relationships. Problems such infidelity, abuse, financial difficulties, work stress and addictions are only few examples of “big challenges.” However, not once, relationships break down not because of these big issues but rather because of “the small matters,” such as papers on the coffee table, socks on the floor, dirty dishes in the kitchen, being late for meetings, talking on the phone for a long time etc. These petty issues (which carry an important meaning on the eyes of the interpreter) pile up to make the person in a relationship feel unloved, unheard, underappreciated and even controlled.

Yet, it is important to understand that these small issues pile up into a vast, submerged force when they take on a different meaning in your mind. When you are on a “mission to find evidence of a character flaw or moral defect in your partner, you definitely will find it. When you are involved in mind-reading or assuming the intention of your partner, there is a good chance you are going to fail. It is similar to a self-fulfilling view or attitude. The outcome of that search is that your partner is a selfish and self-absorbed and that his or her needs are always first.

Every annoyance in a relationship is really a two-way street. Partners focus on what they are getting (mostly on the negatives), not on what they are giving. But no matter how frustrating a partner’s behavior, your interpretation of the issue is the greater part of it. What matters is the meaning you attach to it.

One of the great expressions I have heard was “You don’t really live with your partner in your home. You live with your partner in your head.” Accordingly, if you want to stay in a relationship and have more fulfilling one, your perception needs to change to become healthier. That means for you to become more accepting, more forgiving and in short focusing on the positive things your partner has rather than the negative things your partners has (remember the half-glass full).

Challenges, conflicts and irritations are inevitable in relationships and are normal part of life. Individuals value things differently, view the world in different perspective, and has different needs and wants. This is why relationship is so much difficult, yet very interesting and attractive. To make it works, individuals first have to understand this concept, accept it and let go of the “ideal partners,” while believing that their habit, preference and life style must align perfectly with their partners. Thereafter, partners must learn how to be respectful and considerate, while focusing on how to negotiate and live with the irritants of their partners in a constructive way.

Listed below are some of the most important qualities and characteristics that contribute to a healthy relationship.

People in healthy relationship:

• Respect each other and each other differences
• Care about each other and do thing for the other person
• Are gentle with each other (not aggressive and demanding)
• Trust each other, be honest and transparent
• Share thoughts, feelings and needs
• Conduct conflict with “care-fronted” rather than “con-fronted”
• Learn from the past, plan for the future, yet focus on present  priorities and responsibilities
• Knows and values that each person has
• Let each person develop also a life away from the relationship
• Compliment on tasks “well done” or even just the intention
• Listen to each other carefully with a goal to understand
• Establish healthy balance between work and relationship
• Be open and willing to change, creativity and spontaneously, yet honors routine
• Value and appreciate the good things in each person – Focus on the positive
• Willing to forgive and move on without anger and resentment
• Know each other and as well as core values and goals
• Keep learning and growing together (not apart)
• Enjoys humor, laughter and have fun

The above is only a partial list building a successful relationship. Feel free to add to the above list and evaluate your answers. It is important to continuously evaluate your relationship, invest in it and do things to improve your relationship. The return on your investment would be priceless.