Generally, there are two ways individuals react towards situations that are displeasing. Some people blow up in a volcanic manner. They may shout, scream or rave and after they have done so, they (might) cool down and return to normal. Others on the other hand, keep their anger or bitterness inside them by clamming up. They may display their displeasure in their faces or body language but they would not vocalize it or act on it there and then. They keep it inside and resentment builds up. Both types of reactions are unhealthy. Respond to displeasure in a healthy way is key to anger management and having peaceful mindset.

Many people do not want to address a conflict, and bring up strong emotions. As a result, they simply keep quiet when upset. Accordingly, they suppress their anger or other emotions. Unfortunately, this isn’t a healthy long-term strategy as unexpressed or unresolved anger or emotion can lead to resentment, future explosion and additional conflict in the relationship.

This is why individuals need to increase their level of awareness toward their emotions, particularly anger while trying to know how they feel and understand why they feel that way. Not once we don’t know why we feel angry or resentful. Other times, we feel that the other person isn’t doing what they “should,” but we aren’t aware of exactly what we want from them, or if it’s even reasonable. As such, it is important to articulate to ourselves what we need and express it in an assertive manner. This is an important component of Anger Management.

Anger management or the ability to constructively process our emotional state is key to our well being. Everyone gets angry, but not everyone knows how to manage it. The problem is not about getting angry, but rather what we do with the anger. The meaning we attached to the anger and taking the appropriate action is the key to managing anger.

When our view of life comes from a position of entitlement and/or high level of expectations, then when don’t get what we want or our expectations are not met, we become angry. When we require life, relationship or our partner to be an ideal, without imperfections, faults or inconsistencies, we cannot avoid of being angry. If we expect life to be fair, we cannot avoid of being angry when we are treated unfairly, or when we don’t like the situation. When we adapt a victim mentality or attitude, and see the “others” as bad or negative (the “enemy”) that want to hurt us, we feel that we are entitled to be angry since we think as a victim and need to protect ourselves.

In addition, when we suffer from lack of self esteem, poor self-image, low self respect or a negative self image, we are having difficulties in tolerating conflict or accept criticism from others. This is why healthy self esteem is important element in managing anger. The ability to resolve conflict, negotiate or collaborate is based on increased awareness, realistic perspective, self respect and empathy as well as assertive behavior.

Many people who experience anger problems do not take responsibility for their anger and refuse to see their contribution to the negative situation. They avoid seeing how their perspective effect their behavior and what is their part in the negative relationship. Every time that they insist of being right and having attachment to such unhealthy view, they take the position that being right is more important than the relationship. As a result, a vicious cycle of reactivity and anger is amplify and the relationship suffers.

To manage anger in a healthy way, we need to be able to accept responsibility to our anger and emotion, to calm down and then to express our anger assertively. Accordingly, it is crucial to express ourselves from the perspective of what is hurting us and what we need. This attitude, focus on the “I” rather than the “YOU.” It express personal needs rather than blame the other and done so in a constructive communication style. If we are able to pause, stop and think before acting rather than impulsively react on our anger, we can process our feelings, understand what is causing it, then we can better understand what stimulate our anger and express our needs in a healthy way.

We must understand that our anger emotion is the result of our own subjective perception and response to reality. Once we understand and accept that our anger belongs exclusively to us and that it is created as a result of our view of the situation, we are moving toward a positive direction of managing our anger. Accordingly, the ability to develop realistic expectations for oneself and others will help to eliminate anger problems.

This is why being responsible to our anger is the cornerstone of all healthy relationships. Accepting responsibility to our anger, being able to process it constructively increases our ability to resolve anger and conflict and develop more healthy and happy relationships.

Clear communication is an important part of assertiveness. In communication is where assertiveness can manifest it self the most (or not). This is where you show:

• knowledge – you are able to understand and summarize the situation
• feelings – you can explain your feelings about the situation
• needs – you are able to explain clearly what you want or need, giving your reasons and any benefits to the other party

It isn’t just the content of what you say that counts; it is the way you put it across (the process of how you communicate the content). Assertive communication helps to:

• be honest with yourself about your own feelings
• keep calm and stick to the point
• be clear, specific and direct
• if you meet objections, listen to the other person’s point of view whilst ensuring that your message is clear
• try to offer alternative solutions if you can
• ask, if you are unsure about something
• if the other person tries to create a diversion, point this out calmly and repeat your message
• use appropriate body language
• always respect the rights and point of view of the other person
• own your messages by using “I” – for example, it’s more constructive to say “I don’t agree with you” than “you’re wrong”
• remember, you have the right to make mistakes and so does everyone else

Assertiveness communication requires a co-operative, respectful and mutually beneficial relationships. Assertiveness is an attitude and a way of relating to the outside world, backed up by a set of skills for effective communication. By mastering effective and assertiveness communication you move forward and empower yourself despite conflicts and challenges.

Many individuals desire to build, boost, and develop assertiveness and build self-confidence . Yet, for many individuals it seems a difficult task. However, building confidence and assertiveness is probably easier than you think. ‘Non-assertive’ people do not generally want to transform into being excessively dominant people and they certainly don’t normally want to become bullies.

What they want is to be more able to resist the pressure and dominance of excessively dominant people. When most people talk about wanting to be more assertive, what they usually deeply mean is: “How can I become more able to resist the pressure and dominance of excessively dominant people?” or “How can I stand up to bullies (or one bully in particular)?” or And also, “How can I exert a little more control in situations that are important to me?”

For anyone seeking to increase their own assertiveness it is helpful to understand the personality and motivation of excessively dominant people, who incidentally cause the most worry to non-assertive people.

Most excessively dominant people are usually bullies. Bullies are deep-down insecure people. They dominate because they are too insecure to allow other people to have responsibility and influence, and this behavior is generally conditioned from childhood for one reason or another. The dominant aggressive behavior is effectively reinforced by the response given by insecure and non-assertive people to bullying. The aggressive person gets his or her own way. The bullying dominant behaviour is rewarded, and so it persists.

This is why it is important to understand where you want to be: what level of assertiveness you want to use at any given situation? The main purpose of assertiveness is to defend yourself, and to control your own choices and destiny, not to control others. Once you master the assertiveness skills, you build clear boundaries and establish healthy self esteem while creating more satisfying and fulfilling life.

Lack of assertiveness can affect your relationships and quality of life, as you fail to communicate effectively and probably end up not getting what you want. Family life, career prospects and stress levels can all be affected by non-assertive behavior.

By examining carefully the way you communicate with others, there are a number of ways in which you can begin to assert yourself, helping to improve your quality of life. In this regards, assertiveness training can provide you the necessary skills and benefits. You may read books, articles about the subject (the internet is a large resource). If you have tried to improve assertiveness but still find you are acting in a mostly passive or aggressive way, you may find talking to a trained counselor or psychotherapist useful.

Talking to a professional counselor that specializes in assertiveness training may bring back painful memories of unpleasant experiences you have had, but it can help you understand why you act the way you do. It will help you to think differently about yourself and to have constructive, assertive behavior. Many psychotherapists utilize proven cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to gain positive results and you may find it helpful. This is a therapy that involves helping you to overcome unhelpful patterns in the way you think and behave, including aggressive and passive behaviour.

Although it can be overwhelming and intimidating to start behaving more assertively, you will find that it has many benefits. When you act in an assertive way you communicate better and command respect. This can improve your relationships - both at home and at work.

People who have mastered the skill of assertiveness are greatly able to reduce the level of interpersonal conflict in their lives, thereby reducing a major source of stress. When assertive people face problems, they focus on solutions rather than problems, thereby able to resolve conflict successfully. Ultimately, assertive attitudes and behaviors are at the core of living healthy and productive life.

Nonassertive people may be passive or aggressive. Passive individuals are not committed to their own rights and allow others to infringe on their rights rather than to stand up and speak out. On the other hand, aggressive persons are strongly defending their own rights but are also violating the rights of others. Additionally, aggressive individuals insist that their feelings and needs take precedence over other people’s. They also tend to blame others for problems instead of offering solutions.

Lack of assertiveness promotes also low self esteem and social anxiety. While engaging in assertive behavior is rewarding and leads to positive self-esteem and more fulfilling life. Whenever you see someone being assertive, rather than passive, aggressive, or both, you are witnessing an act of healthy self-esteem. Whenever you see someone verbally attacking others to get what they want, or being indirect about what they want, or silently enduring something they don’t want, you’re witnessing the result and perpetuation of injured self-esteem. So, while it’s clear that having high self-esteem makes it easier to practice assertive communication, it should also be noted that acting assertively promotes healthy self-esteem.

The chaos theory was metaphorically described by Maxim in the following way: “A butterfly fluttering its wings over a flower in china can set in motion a series of events which result in a storm over the Caribbean.” The scientific chaos theory seems to be described in a very spiritual, holistic and systemic perspective and powerfully illustrates the strength of universal connectivity and interdependence.

When we specifically apply that concept to interpersonal relationships, we cannot avoid but seeing that in today world humans tend to be more self focus (“what is it for me”) rather than engaging in altruistic activities and seeing the long-term benefits associated with giving and collaboration for the  “greater good,” including ourselves.

The inter-connectivity and interdependence to be effective also requires a balance perspective. Like everything in life, it probably comes down to balance of avoiding deficiency or excess in all aspects including physical, emotional and spiritual areas. Whether on a national, community or personal level, excess in one area always results in deficiency in another area.

This is why some suggest that the future of humanity is dependent on individuals, societies and nations working together in a compassion, generous and interdependence way to establish a universal balance. The underline needs of individuals are the driving forces of our emotions (including anger) and behavior. It is therefore necessary for us to figure out our need and expressing it assertively while respecting others. This attitude will lead to better connectivity, understanding and global harmony and balance. In other words, individuals must practically understand the need to balance our own needs and wants against those of other individuals, groups, nations and all of humanity.

Montaigne: “My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.”

The above statement by Montaigne (a French philosopher) illustrates the power of the mind on our life, or more specifically, the negative power of our worried mind that has nothing to do with reality. Excessive worry is exhausting, tiring and have negative consequences on your emotional and physical well-being. The imagination of the worrier is full of thoughts about things that will never happen, or that turn out to be not as bad as imagined. The negative, protective mind cannot let go of troubling, pessimistic thoughts and cannot see beyond a negative outcome.

There is something about worrying that makes it hard to give up. In fact, worrying can be beneficial. Worrying is a defense mechanism and alerts you from danger or negative consequences. Ignoring a back pain or not preparing your car for the winter might cause you some serious troubles. Worry direct your attention to a possible problem or unstable situation and push you to take a constructive action toward resolving it. For example, worrying about downsizing could motivate you to prepare a resume and upgrade your skills or looking for another job in another company.

Many of us worry needlessly and excessively and live our lives in fear, plagued with anxiety and a general overall feeling of uneasiness. Here are some tips that will help you stop excessive worry and have inner peace:

• Write down the three things (concerns) that you worry excessively about. Only focus on these three major worries that seem to be on your mind on a daily basis. Order these concerns from more serious as the highest to least serious as the lowest.
• For each worry, ask yourself if you can or cannot control it. For example, if you are worried about deterioration of your health, determine if this is something you can or cannot control. In other words, determine what is within your control and what is beyond your control. In this case, you can control how you take care of yourself by eating healthy food, exercising, sleeping well and reducing stress. You can control parts of this worry, but of course not the entire worry itself.
• If you find yourself worrying excessively over things you cannot control, try to shift your narrow perspective on the negative consequences, and look at the bigger picture of life. Say to yourself “STOP, I am wasting my energy on things I cannot control.” “I better be constructive with my energy.”
• Allow yourself to be worry of 10 minutes per day. Set aside this time daily and use this time only for your worry. You may eventually stop doing this by realizing that it is a waste of time. Until this realization settled, you need some time just to feel your fears, and eventually move on to more productive activities.

The above ideas are not easy to implement as it requires a continual resistance to the worry mind. Remember, do not allow yourself to have excessive worry over the things you cannot control. You will waste valuable time and energy in your life worrying about these things.

Assertiveness is a communication style. It is the ability to express your feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and opinions in a direct, respectful and open manner that doesn’t violate the rights of others.

If we do express ourselves openly and conceal our thoughts and feelings this can make us feel tense, stressed, anxious or resentful. It possibly would lead to unhealthy and uncomfortable relationships as we don’t feel safe and loves while not allowing people closest to us to really know us.

The main effect of not being assertive is that it leads to low self esteem. If we communicate in a passive manner we are not saying what we really feel or think. This means we can end up agreeing with and fulfilling other people’s needs or wants rather than our own. Lack of expression of needs might leads to depression. This can result in a lack of purpose, and a feeling of not being in control of our own lives.

Lack of assertiveness is also very common in social phobia. People with social anxiety tend to think that other people are being judgmental and critical about them and will avoid social situations because of this.

Being assertive involves first of all choosing to communicate – being active rather than passive – and then doing so in a manner that’s both respectful and honest. Becoming more assertive is rewarding as it increases your self-esteem and social ability and allows you to have more fulfilling life.