Assertiveness is a constructive way of thinking and behaving that allows a person to stand up for his needs while respecting the rights of others. Assertive communication is appropriately direct, open and honest, and clarifies one’s needs to the other person without resorting to aggression or manipulation.
People who have mastered the skill of assertiveness are able to greatly reduce the level of interpersonal conflict in their lives, thereby reducing a major source of stress. When assertive people face problems, they focus on solutions rather than problems, thereby able to resolve conflict successfully. Ultimately, assertive attitudes and behaviors are at the core of living healthy and productive life.
Nonassertive people may be passive or aggressive. Passive individuals are not committed to their own rights and allow others to infringe on their rights rather than to stand up and speak out. On the other hand, aggressive persons are strongly defending their own rights but are also violating the rights of others. Additionally, aggressive individuals insist that their feelings and needs take precedence over other people's. They also tend to blame others for problems instead of offering solutions.
So being assertive involves first of all choosing to communicate effectively– being active rather than passive – and then doing so in a manner that’s both respectful and honest. We have the right and responsibility to ask for what we need. It is important to note that what we are asserting is not our right to have what we are asking for, but rather our right to ask in the first place.
Exercising this right increases our self-esteem. Reciprocally, having high self-esteem makes us more likely to exercise our rights with assertive behavior. In other words, lack of assertiveness promotes low self esteem and social anxiety. While engaging in assertive behavior is rewarding and leads to positive self-esteem and more fulfilling life.
Low self-esteem and assertive behavior are incompatible. Whenever you see someone being assertive, rather than passive, aggressive, or both, you are witnessing an act of healthy self-esteem. Whenever you see someone verbally attacking others to get what they want, or being indirect about what they want, or silently enduring something they don’t want, you’re witnessing the result and perpetuation of injured self-esteem.
Because of this correlation between self-esteem and assertiveness, it’s tricky to teach assertiveness skills without addressing underlying self-esteem issues. But fortunately, as we’ve seen, the relationship between self-esteem and assertiveness tends to be reciprocal. In other words, while it’s clear that having high self-esteem makes it easier to practice assertive communication, it should also be noted that acting assertively promotes healthy self-esteem.