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Why is it so Difficult to Talk about Sex?
Posted by:   |  Jun 22, 2016

shall we talk about sex

Sex is the most selling industry in the world yet no one talks about it the way it should be discussed. The people of this century are excessively exposed to sex, and you would think that by now, they would be comfortable conversing about it, but it is far from the truth. From celebrity gossips on the subject of sex to books, music, fashion, T.V., and movies – sex stories are sold the most, and yet, we face difficulty talking about real sex with our partners that can actually improve our relationship and resolve the intimacy issues that are prevailing between us. There are many reasons behind sex still being a taboo topic. A few of them are discussed below.

It is Sensitive Subject

Just like death, people do not prefer talking about sex. Couples feel that talking about sex will increase the performance pressure on them. Since it is a very intimate activity, both the partners already feel vulnerable, and by adding sex-talk into the equation, they fear being judged, rejected, and criticized and not being a good lover.

However, sex-talk does quite the opposite. When you let your partner know about your sexual desires, you will be able to explore them together. This way, you will feel closer to them and have a greater connection with them. It is important that you talk about sex in a very gentle manner to avoid hurting the feelings of your partner.

Feeling Awkward Talking About It

When we were young, we were taught about the significance of studying and getting a job. But when it comes to sex, we feel that no education is required in this field. It is something that should come naturally to us, and when it does not, the feelings of insecurity and anxiety start to creep in. We feel awkward talking about it because our instincts are involved, and our society prohibits us from acting on them ever since we were kids. People fear that their sexual preference and  likes may not match their partner’s, which might scare them away.

The Shame and Inadequacy

It is easier to talk about our intimacy problems with someone other than our partners because those individuals are not involved with us directly. We do not want to feel the shame and inadequacy involved in talking about sex, nor do we want our partners to experience anything similar. It becomes complicated to tell your spouse that you are not feeling it, without hurting them. But when a relationship lack sparks, it is crucial to address the pink elephant in the room, and try to create intimacy.

Negative Image of Sex

We believe that being sexually compatible is something natural, and the spouse should innately know how to please you. That is the wrong perception of sex specifically and of intimacy in general. Often great sex grow with knowledge and experience. Both the individuals need to know each other’s likes, dislikes, and then work things out. Moreover, some people  have limited or negative view about sex, low self esteem regarding their looks, some have religious beliefs of the act being considered immoral, and much more. It is however, essential to get over that mindset, and to not let society decide your choices to enjoy the experience.

Uncomfortable with Saying Sexual Phrases Out Loud

A number of times, the reason why couples do not communicate is because either they lack the right sexual vocabulary or they feel uncomfortable saying things aloud. But this can be an obstacle between sex based communications. Knowing about the male and female anatomy, sexual techniques and positions should not be embarrassing. In fact, greater knowledge will make you a better lover and would also allow you to set limits properly. Your spouse is not a mind reader, this is why verbal communication is significant, and it will reduce the chances of misinterpretation.

Belief that Sex Is Something Private

Since childhood we had learned that sex is very private and that we should not talk it, and now it is unconsciously established in our brains. It makes us believe that whatever happens in the bedroom should stay there, no matter how unsatisfied we or our partner feel. It is true that sex is something private and personal. However, talking to your partner about it is vital in creating healthy sexual and intimate life.

Religious Reasons

Researchers have found a correlation between individual’s intensity of a religious believe and their sexual attitude, which for many is  manifested as sexual guilt. It is hard to build a healthy sexual attitude when you are told by religious leaders of parents that “You should only be enjoyed sex in marriage” or homosexuality sex is  wrong. Or that you have to be a virgin until marriage, no masturbation is allowed or that sex is and definitely no, immoral, and a sinful act.”

These are some of  the reasons that make sex such a taboo topic. Regardless of the social, cultural, religious and childhood, it is critical to understand the importance of sex in our intimacy and life and it is healthy to make informed choices about how to conduct ourselves as a sexual being, because this is who we are.



Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) in New York City
License # : 000697