Mismatched Sex Drives: When One Partner Wants More
Mismatched sex drives are one of the most common issues in long-term relationships, and they do not mean something is wrong with either of you. Desire rises and falls with stress, health, hormones and how connected you feel. What predicts trouble is less the gap itself than how you handle it: with pressure and avoidance, or with honest conversation.
How common is mismatched desire?
Very common. In a national probability survey of 15,162 people in Britain published in The Lancet, the most frequently reported sexual issue within relationships was an imbalance in level of interest in sex between partners. Among people who had been in a sexual relationship for the past year, 23.4 percent of men and 27.4 percent of women reported it. That is roughly one in four.
Researchers who study desire go further. A 2020 study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior describes desire as something that naturally ebbs and flows, which makes periods of mismatch close to inevitable in a long relationship. The same paper notes that desire problems and desire discrepancy are among the most common reasons couples seek therapy.
So if one of you wants sex more often than the other, you are in ordinary company. The partner who wants more can be of any gender, and the roles sometimes switch over the years.
Why do sex drives drift apart?
Early in a relationship, novelty tends to carry desire for both partners. Later, the differences between you show up. Common contributors, as listed by the NHS, include:
- relationship problems
- stress, anxiety or depression
- sexual problems such as erectile difficulties or vaginal dryness
- pregnancy and caring for a baby
- hormonal changes with age, including menopause
- certain medicines and hormonal contraception
- heavy drinking
- long-term health conditions
New parents are especially prone to a gap. Your relationship after a new baby covers that stage.
There is also a difference in how desire starts. Some people feel desire out of nowhere and then seek out sex. Others rarely feel it in advance but become interested once closeness and touch are already under way. Rosemary Basson of the University of British Columbia described this second pattern in an influential model of women’s sexual response, in which desire is “responsive” and grows out of intimacy and arousal instead of preceding them. The model was written about women, so applying it to men is an extension of the idea and not a research finding. If one of you is waiting to feel desire before any touch begins and the other is waiting to be approached, you can both end up waiting.
How does a desire gap turn into a relationship problem?
A common pattern looks like this. The partner who wants more sex initiates and is turned down. They feel rejected and try again, or drop hints, or grow irritable. The partner who wants less starts to feel pressured and begins avoiding not only sex but any touch that might lead to it. The first partner now feels unwanted altogether, and pushes harder or withdraws in hurt.
Each person’s reaction makes sense. Together they create a loop that pushes desire down further. It is a version of the pursuer-distancer pattern that shows up in many areas of a relationship.
Underneath, the two of you are often asking different questions. One is asking, “Do you still want me?” The other is asking, “Am I allowed to say no and still be loved?” Naming those questions tends to help more than debating how many times a week is reasonable.
Is there a “normal” amount of sex?
No, though research offers some perspective. An analysis of three studies with 30,645 participants found that more frequent sex was associated with greater wellbeing only up to a point. For people in relationships, the association leveled off at about once a week. Having sex more often than that was not linked to being any happier.
Two cautions. This was correlational research, so it cannot show that sex causes happiness or the reverse. And an average across thousands of people is not a prescription for your relationship. Some couples are content with far less, and some want more. The useful question is whether both of you can live well with your arrangement.
What do couples do that helps?
The 2020 study mentioned above asked 229 people in long-term relationships what they do when one partner wants sex and the other does not. The answers fell into five groups: disengaging, communicating, doing something alone, doing a different activity together, or having sex anyway. People who used strategies involving their partner reported higher sexual and relationship satisfaction than those who relied on solitary ones. Most of those who said they did nothing found that unhelpful. This was a self-report survey taken at one point in time, so it shows what goes along with satisfaction, not what causes it.
With that in mind, here are approaches therapists commonly suggest:
- Talk about it outside the bedroom. Pick a calm moment. Describe your own experience (“I miss feeling close to you”) instead of your partner’s failings.
- Get curious about context. Ask what helps your partner feel open to intimacy and what shuts it down. Tiredness, resentment about chores and feeling criticized are frequent answers.
- Separate affection from sex. When every hug is read as a request, the lower-desire partner stops hugging. Agree that some touch is just touch.
- Widen what counts. Intimacy does not have to mean intercourse every time. Many couples find middle ground in other kinds of physical closeness.
- Plan for it. Setting aside time can feel unromantic, but it helps partners whose desire builds slowly.
- Let “no” be safe. Sex that happens because of guilt, sulking or pressure tends to make the next “no” more likely.
That last point has a firm edge. A partner is never owed sex. If you are being forced, threatened or frightened into sexual activity, that is abuse, and couples therapy is not the right first step. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at 1-800-799-7233.
When should you see a doctor?
Because physical health, hormones and some medicines affect desire, it is sensible to talk with your doctor if your interest in sex has changed suddenly, if sex is painful, if you have erection or arousal difficulties, or if the change began around the time you started a new medicine. Raise it with the prescriber instead of changing anything on your own. Low desire can also accompany depression, which deserves attention in its own right.
When is it worth getting help as a couple?
Consider talking to a couples therapist if the subject has become impossible to discuss, if one of you feels chronically rejected or chronically pressured, or if sex has stopped altogether and you both avoid mentioning it. Sexless marriage: causes and what couples can do looks at that situation more closely.
Couples counseling at spiral2grow treats desire differences as part of the larger pattern of safety and connection between partners. The practice’s article on why intimacy often disappears in long-term relationships is a helpful companion read.
Talk it over in confidence
This is a hard subject to bring to a stranger, and a brief call can make it easier. Moshe Ratson, LMFT, offers a free phone consultation and sees couples in Midtown Manhattan and Online by Video. Contact spiral2grow to arrange a time.
Common questions
Yes. In a large national survey in Britain, about one in four people in a relationship reported an imbalance in sexual interest with their partner, making it the most common relationship-level sexual issue in the study. Desire also fluctuates within each person, so most long-term couples are out of sync at some point.
Many do. The gap itself matters less than how you respond to it. Couples who talk about it openly and find ways to stay physically and emotionally close tend to report more satisfaction than those who avoid the subject. Long-standing resentment or pressure around sex is a sign to get outside help.
It varies widely, and averages are a poor guide. One large study found that the link between sexual frequency and wellbeing leveled off at about once a week for people in relationships. That is a statistical pattern, not a target. What matters is whether the two of you are reasonably content.
Say what you miss without blame, and ask what gets in the way for your partner. Look for other forms of closeness, and avoid pressure, sulking or keeping score, which usually lower a partner’s desire further. Your wish for intimacy is legitimate, and so is your partner’s right to say no.
Sources
- Sexual function in Britain: findings from the third National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal-3) (Mitchell et al., 2013), The Lancet, via PubMed Central
- Strategies for Mitigating Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Relationships (Vowels & Mark, 2020), Archives of Sexual Behavior, via PubMed Central
- Low sex drive (loss of libido), NHS
- Women’s sexual desire: disordered or misunderstood? (Basson, 2002), Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, via PubMed
- Sexual Frequency Predicts Greater Well-Being, But More is Not Always Better (Muise, Schimmack & Impett, 2016), Social Psychological and Personality Science
- National Domestic Violence Hotline, National Domestic Violence Hotline
This article is part of the Couples Counseling Guide. It is general information, not a substitute for care from a licensed professional who knows your situation.
This article is for general education. It is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis or treatment.
