Love is infinite, You can’t have more or less infinity, and you can’t compare two things to see if they’re “equally infinite.” Infinity just is, and that’s the way I think love is, too. – Fred Rogers

Therapy for Non-Monogamous Relationships

Over the years, I have been seeing increasing numbers of couples and relationships that choose to embrace a non-monogamous lifestyle. They accepted unconventional views and expectations of monogamy and sexual fidelity. Many of these relationships struggle to find therapists and support in their lives, as they aspire to make their relationships succeed. While all relationships require work and investment, non-monogamous relationships have unique challenges that may amplify the difficulties.

Many of those who pursue polyamorous relationships find them to be desirable and fulfilling. Yet, when challenges arise and partners cannot solve them alone, a non-monogamous expert therapist or other mental health professionals may often be able to help partners navigate polyamory and other nonmonogamous relationship styles.

Since individuals have different preferences, they also pursue relationships in a variety of ways. Some people find a monogamous relationship style works for them. Others find that monogamy does not work for them and choose to pursue some style of nonmonogamous relationship.

Some pursue an open relationship or choose to share partners out of the desire to experience casual sex/intimacy with multiple partners. Others find they experience love and affection for multiple individuals at the same time. They may feel the need to pursue it.

As infidelity and divorce is growing, a larger number of individuals see that total monogamy for a lifetime is very challenging. This is why today more partners are looking for a more flexible structure and arrangement when it comes to their intimacy and sexuality.

While monogamy is generally still the norm in many cultures, non-monogamy is becoming increasingly recognized as a relationship style. To many, polyamory and other forms of nonmonogamy may be as natural as other people feel about monogamy.

Many of those who pursue consensual non-monogamous relationships find them to be attractive and fulfilling. Yet, when problems arise and the parties involved cannot solve them by themselves, a non-monogamous expert couples therapist may often be able to help partners navigate polyamory and other nonmonogamous relationship styles.

In spiral2grow the therapy for non-monogamous relationships is led by Moshe Ratson (MBA, MS MFT, LMFT), a Licensed Couples and Marriage Therapist (LMFT). Moshe is often contacted by people seeking help in finding therapists who can suspend judgment and work with couples and help them move from where they are to where they want to be. spiral2grow is located in the heart of New York City – close to Grand Central Station (NYC). spiral2grow welcomes individuals and couples of all sexual orientations and gender identities and hopes that you will find my knowledge, experience and respect an added benefit to our work together.

Background to Open Relationship

More than ever before, the high infidelity and divorce rates encourage some people to explore the idea of open marriage and polyamory. In addition, as technologies, options and abundances amplify, it enhances the complexities of modern intimate relationships, and pushes some of them to investigate and experiment with alternatives to monogamy and conventional marriage.

While many people view the notion of an “ideal” romantic relationship as having single partner for life that satisfies all your love and intimate need, there are others who are also interested in expanding their emotional, intimate and sexual experience beyond one partner. Open relationship, polyamory, and nonmonogamy are only a few examples of looking beyond the exclusivity of conventional marriage and intimacy. There is no right answer that will fit every couple. Each individual in the partnership must figure out their own risk tolerance and their particular social environment as well as their personalities and needs.

Each couple is challenged to find their own special balance, between multiple needs that may contradict, between ritual and routine to establish a familiar and safe structure that promote growth, healthy risk-taking, and adventure. These parameters are dynamic and changing that on one side can create opportunities for imagination and fun, yet requires careful attention.

Couples who opt for open relationships are mostly challenged by the qualities of stability, security and reassurance of commitment to monogamy, yet they are looking for excitement, novelty, passion, freedom, and thrill. It is an ego-boost and pleasing to know that you are still desired by people who are not your spouse. It is also self-gratifying to have the freedom to act on your desire, and experience variation, especially in the sexual area.

Types of Consensual Non-Monogamous Relationships:

Many of those who pursue consensual non-monogamous relationships find them to be attractive and fulfilling. Yet, when problems arise and the parties involved cannot solve them by themselves, a non-monogamous expert couples therapist may often be able to help partners navigate polyamory and other nonmonogamous relationship styles.

Open Relationship

An open relationship is a committed relationship in which one or both partners pursue a sexual relationship outside of their partnership. Couples that have the openness and permission to have sex with whomever/whenever the couples define as OK.

Lifestyle Couple or Swingers

Swingers – Typically defined as a couple in a committed relationship that has sex with others. Generally, both partners in the relationship will swap spouses with another couple and will exercise sex with other committed partners. In general, in this type of relationship, engagement with others is not focused on emotional intimacy.

Polyamorous Relationship

Polyamory is defined as consent to practice intimacy and romantic love with more than one partner at the same time. While there are variations on this relationship style, generally, polyamorous relationships involve a commitment to multiple partners.

Polyfidelity

Polyfidelity is a “group marriage” model, essentially the same as being married-except you’re married to more than one person. Those who are involved live together, share finances, children, family and household responsibilities and are committed and exclusive to each other.

As there is not a distinct line between the various forms of non-monogamous relationships, I like to think of it as a continuum.

Challenges of Nonmonogamus Relationships

While there is an increased number of open relationships and greater acceptance, open relationship largely exists outside social norms. This is why many individuals are private about their relationships. Nonmonogamous relationships may be challenged by the same issues occurring in monogamous relationships and also by unique situations particular to nonmonogamy. Here are some of the challenges:

  • While it is typical that they believe that their relationship is strong enough that it will prevent romantic feelings for others from developing, that is not always the case.
  • Since polyamory exists outside social norms, many individuals are private about their relationships, not wishing to experience judgment and discrimination.
  • Society might have a negative stigma surrounding the issue of polyamorous relationships.
  • Non-monogamous relationships may be challenged by the same issues occurring in monogamous relationships yet since more people are involved in these dynamics the complexity of the issue might be greater.
  • While jealousy is often inevitable, jealousy at its different forms may often arise as an issue in nonmonogamous relationships. It is important to develop ways to address and work through it in a healthy and open way.
  • Priority and time management issues – With jobs, children, household responsibilities and so on, time is a precious commodity. Time management and quality time spent with each other partners may be limited. As such, scheduling dates and intimacy may be complicated.
  • At times individuals in such relationships found themselves in unfamiliar territory. They encounter challenges that they haven’t prepared for, didn’t expect, and haven’t communicated about.
  • Ultimately, the key to any healthy relationship, particularly an open relationship is communication, honesty, transparency and consent. The best way to go about this is to discuss it with your partner respectfully and continually maintain trust. In some cases, couples counseling can help committed partners address the challenges they face.

Ambivalent Consent

The concept of ambivalent consent – where one partner wants to explore nonmonogamy, for personal growth, novelty, or other reasons, and the other partner follows reluctantly or with hesitance because they hold on to an important and rewarding relationship – or fear losing it. This is often a challenging issue that I help couples navigate. and it can be very sensitive and even tricky. How couples can accept ambiguity and duality is not an easy thing and requires patience, vulnerability a non-judgmental attitude, compassion, and open and respectful communication. Make friends with uncertainty and expressing feelings and wants at the deepest level is a crucial element in staying with ambiguity and later beyond that.

Key Parameters for Successful Non-Monogamy

  • Nonmonogamy should be an informed choice (rather than being forced)
  • It is important to develop safe and secure relationship and environment
  • Self-awareness, and an ability to engage in honest self-examination about one’s needs, feelings and desires
  • Open and honest negotiation and communication about one’s needs and desires, accepting that win-win compromises are the desired outcomes
  • Mutual respect for each other’s needs and desires. This means that sometimes, we choose to “not sweat the little things,” and accept that our partner is another person, who makes their own decisions. Our job is to communicate about what are the most important things for us, so that our partner can consider them.
  • It’s ALWAYS better to know where landmines are before they blow up in your face.
  • Exercising this lifestyle is based on expansion and maturity rather than insecurity and fear (of losing your partner)
  • It is key to deal with attachment injury/insecure bond in a healthy way
  • Make sure loving experience one another as emotionally accessible and responsive.
  • Rules and boundaries are often essential components of polyamorous relationships. When established for the right reasons—can help define the relationship and make partners feel safer.

Developing Agreements through honest communication

Couples who are more successful in practicing nonmonogamy are transparent with one another and have a greater level of trust. Understanding each other attachment styles, sensitivities, feelings, needs, anxieties, worries, and fears requires difficult conversations. These conversations are the opposite of a troubling phenomenon of the “don’t-ask-don’t tell” model. This does not mean that couples can explicitly agree not to share certain activities, but all is clear, understood, and agreed. The clarity of needs helps couples develop an agreement about how to navigate nonmonogamy while having proper safety and protection for both the individuals and the relationship as a whole. Often these agreements evolve and become freer as comfort and ambivalence diminish.

They have an explicit agreement that answers key questions – See below:

Questions When Considering Non-Monogamy

  • How would you define your sexual relationship with your partner? and how did you come to that decision? Did it comfort you and make sense to you?
  • What would it be like for you to see or know your partner/spouse have sex with someone else….and see them really enjoying it? How would you feel about it?
  • What does nonmonogamy mean to us?
  • What meaning would you make from their enjoyment of having sex with others?
  • Create rules and conditions for a successful having open relationship (where, when, with whom, how much/often, privacy and transparency, communication etc.?
  • How will we handle disclosure vs nondisclosure to others?
  • What do we want to know about each other’s activities?
  • What do we NOT want to know”
  • What are your worries?
  • How to deal with jealousy and fear?
  • Can you count on each other when you need it?
  • What are the things that might cause you or your partner pain/hurt?
  • What parts of each person’s vulnerability deserve care and attention?
  • If one partner asks the other to stop seeing the ex-partner to stop seeing them, would you agree?

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Call: 917 - 692 - 3867
Email: info@spiral2grow.com

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Request a FREE Phone
Consultation

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