Gaslighting in Relationships: How to Recognize It and What to Do
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which a partner repeatedly makes you doubt your own memory, perceptions and sanity. It is different from simply remembering things differently. If it is part of a pattern of control or fear, your safety comes first, and couples therapy is generally not the right first step.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which one partner repeatedly makes the other doubt their own memory, perceptions and judgment. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, the term comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light, in which a husband dims the gas-powered lights in the home and then denies that anything changed when his wife notices. The Hotline describes gaslighting as a way of making a victim question their own feelings, instincts and sanity, which gives the abusive partner a great deal of power.
Researchers have started to study it more closely. In a 2019 article in the American Sociological Review, sociologist Paige Sweet describes gaslighting as psychological abuse aimed at making victims seem or feel “crazy.” Using domestic violence as a case study, she argues that gaslighting is rooted in power and social inequality, and that abusers often draw on stereotypes, such as the association of femininity with irrationality, and on a partner’s vulnerabilities to make the manipulation stick. Gaslighting can happen to anyone, in any kind of relationship, but that research is a reminder that it is about power, not just about arguing.
Gaslighting or an ordinary disagreement?
The word is used loosely now, and not every disagreement about the past is gaslighting. Two people who were in the same room often remember a conversation differently. One of you may remember the tone and the other the words. Stress, fatigue and strong emotion all affect memory. Saying “That is not how I remember it” is not abuse.
Some differences that can help you tell them apart:
| Ordinary disagreement | Gaslighting |
|---|---|
| Both of you sometimes turn out to be wrong, and both can admit it. | You are always the one who “remembers wrong,” “overreacts” or “imagines things.” |
| Your partner disagrees with your version of events. | Your partner denies things you know happened, including promises and statements. |
| The argument is about a specific event. | The argument becomes about whether you can trust your own mind. |
| After a fight, you feel frustrated but still like yourself. | Over time, you feel confused, anxious and less sure of yourself in general. |
| Disagreements happen in both directions. | The pattern runs one way and keeps one person in control. |
The pattern matters more than any single moment. One partner forgetting something is human. A steady pattern of denial, dismissal and “you’re too sensitive” that leaves you doubting yourself is something else.
What does gaslighting sound like?
The Hotline lists several common techniques. In everyday language, they can sound like this:
- Refusing to engage: pretending not to understand, or “I’m not listening to this again.”
- Questioning your memory: “You never remember things right,” even when you do.
- Questioning your thinking: “Is that another crazy idea your sister put in your head?” or “You’re imagining things.”
- Making your feelings small: “You’re going to get upset over that?” or “You’re too sensitive.”
- Denying what happened: “I never said that,” or “You’re making things up,” about a promise or a statement that was made.
The Hotline notes that gaslighting usually starts gradually, and early incidents can seem harmless. It often sits alongside other controlling behavior. Its overview of types of abuse lists gaslighting as part of emotional abuse, together with isolating a partner, monitoring their activities and threatening them. The guide to signs of emotional abuse covers that wider picture.
How gaslighting can affect you
Because it works slowly, gaslighting can be hard to see from the inside. The Hotline says that over time a person may become confused, anxious, isolated and depressed, and may start relying on the abusive partner to define what is real. It cites signs described by psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D., including:
- Asking yourself “Am I too sensitive?” many times a day.
- Making excuses for your partner to friends and family, or keeping things from them so you do not have to explain.
- Knowing something is wrong but being unable to say what it is, even to yourself.
- Feeling that you used to be a different person: more confident, more relaxed, more fun.
If several of these sound familiar, you are not being dramatic for wondering what is going on.
What to do if you think you are being gaslighted
If you feel afraid of your partner, or they control where you go, who you see, your money or your phone, put your safety first. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential and available 24/7: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. Advocates there can help you think through your situation and make a safety plan. In New York, the NYS Domestic and Sexual Violence Hotline is 800-942-6906, or text 844-997-2121. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. If your partner checks your devices, use a phone or computer they cannot access.
Some other steps can help you get your footing back:
- Write things down, privately and somewhere your partner cannot see, soon after they happen. A record helps you trust your own memory.
- Talk to people who know you, such as a friend, a relative or a therapist. Isolation makes gaslighting more effective, and an outside view helps.
- Stop trying to win the argument. You do not need your partner to agree with your version of events for it to be true. “I remember it differently, and I’m not going to argue about it” is enough.
- Notice how you feel before, during and after time with your partner. Your body often registers a pattern before your mind accepts it.
Why couples therapy is not the first step
If gaslighting is part of a pattern of control, couples therapy is generally not recommended as a first step. The Hotline does not encourage counseling with an abusive partner, because what you say in a session can be used against you later, a therapist may not realize abuse is present, and counseling cannot fix the unequal power behind it. The article on when couples therapy is not recommended explains the reasons and alternatives in more detail.
Joint sessions may make sense when both partners feel safe, neither is afraid of the other, and the issue is two people stuck in a cycle of defensiveness and blame rather than one person controlling the other. Couples counseling focuses on that kind of pattern. Before couples sessions begin, Moshe Ratson screens and assesses for abuse.
When is it worth getting professional help?
If you keep asking yourself whether you are the problem, or you no longer trust your own memory, it is worth talking to someone outside the relationship. Individual therapy can be a private place to sort out what is happening and rebuild confidence in your own judgment, at your own pace.
Talking it through
If you want to talk about individual or couples sessions, you can request a free phone consultation with Moshe Ratson, LMFT, MBA, in Midtown Manhattan or Online by Video. If you are afraid of your partner, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline first.
Common questions
People sometimes deny things because they truly remember them differently or feel ashamed. That is not the same as a steady pattern that leaves you doubting your own mind. Whatever your partner intends, the effect on you matters. If you feel confused, anxious and less like yourself over time, it is worth talking to someone outside the relationship.
A common example is a partner who promises to do something, then later insists they never said it and that you always remember things wrong. Over months, you start keeping quiet or apologizing instead of trusting your memory. The National Domestic Violence Hotline lists denying promises and questioning your memory as gaslighting techniques.
If you feel unsafe, do not confront them alone. Talk to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 first about a safety plan. If you feel safe, it often works better to state what you remember once and decline to argue about it, rather than trying to prove your version of events in a long debate.
It depends on whether the gaslighting is part of a wider pattern of control and whether the partner who did it takes real responsibility and changes over time. Where there is abuse or fear, the priority is safety and individual support, not repairing the relationship. Many people start with individual therapy to rebuild trust in themselves first.
Sources
- What Is Gaslighting?, The National Domestic Violence Hotline
- The Sociology of Gaslighting (Sweet, 2019), American Sociological Review 84(5), SAGE Publications / American Sociological Association
- Types of Abuse, The National Domestic Violence Hotline
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline, The National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Survivors and Victims, New York State Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence
- Should I Go to Couples Therapy With My Abusive Partner?, The National Domestic Violence Hotline
This article is part of the Couples Counseling Guide. It is general information, not a substitute for care from a licensed professional who knows your situation.
This article is for general education. It is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis or treatment.
