Signs of Emotional Abuse in a Relationship

Emotional abuse is a pattern of non-physical behavior used to control, isolate or frighten a partner: put-downs, threats, monitoring, jealousy and making you doubt your own memory. If you feel afraid of your partner, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. When there is abuse or fear, couples therapy is generally not the right first step.

If you are afraid of your partner, start here

If you feel afraid of your partner, or you are reading this because something in your relationship scares you, please know that help is available and that you do not have to be sure it is “abuse” to ask for it.

• The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential and available 24/7: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.
• In New York, the NYS Domestic and Sexual Violence Hotline is 800-942-6906, or text 844-997-2121. It is confidential and available 24/7 in most languages.
• If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
• If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

If your partner checks your phone, computer or browser history, use a device they cannot access when you look for help. The Hotline notes that internet use can be monitored and is hard to erase completely.

What counts as emotional abuse?

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention counts emotional abuse as part of intimate partner violence. In the CDC’s words, psychological aggression is “the use of verbal and non-verbal communication with the intent to harm a partner mentally or emotionally or to exert control over a partner.” It sits alongside physical violence, sexual violence and stalking as a recognized form of partner violence.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline describes emotional abuse as non-physical behavior meant to control, isolate or frighten you. It can be loud, like yelling and name-calling, or quiet, like a partner who is jealous of your friends and does not want you to see them. The Hotline reports that in its 2020 data, 95% of people who contacted it said they were experiencing emotional abuse. That figure describes people who reached out to a domestic violence hotline, not the general population, but it shows how central emotional abuse is to abusive relationships.

Abuse is about power and control. The Hotline’s overview of types of abuse describes relationship abuse as a pattern of behaviors used to gain or keep power over a partner, and notes that several types usually occur together.

Signs of emotional abuse

Drawing on the Hotline’s lists, these are common signs. Your partner may:

• Call you names, insult you or put you down, in private or in front of others.
• Try to control your time, what you wear, where you go or who you see.
• Get angry or jealous when you spend time with friends or family, or discourage you from seeing them.
• Monitor your phone, messages, social media or location.
• Deny things you know happened and tell you that you are imagining things. This is called gaslighting.
• Punish you by withholding attention or affection.
• Constantly accuse you of cheating.
• Threaten to hurt you, your children, other people or pets, or damage your belongings.
• Threaten to leave, or threaten suicide, to win an argument.
• Blame you for their behavior.
• Make you feel guilty for not wanting sex.
• Control the money, demand receipts or stop you from working.
• Shower you with compliments and gifts, then use them against you later.

Any one of these on a single bad day does not automatically mean abuse. A repeated pattern, especially one that makes you feel afraid, small or controlled, should be taken seriously.

Toxic relationship or abusive relationship?

“Toxic relationship” is a popular phrase, not a clinical term, and people use it for very different things. Sometimes it describes two people who argue constantly, both say hurtful things and both feel stuck. Sometimes it describes one person controlling and frightening the other. Those situations need different responses.

A few questions can help you think it through:

• Does one of you hold most of the power? In abuse, the pattern mostly runs one way.
• Are you afraid? Fear of how your partner will react, or of what will happen later, is a key warning sign.
• Do you change yourself to avoid trouble? Editing what you say, who you see or what you wear to keep the peace points to control.
• Can you disagree safely? In a hard but non-abusive relationship, both people can push back without being punished for it.

If you are not sure, an advocate at the Hotline can talk it through with you. You do not need to have a label ready before you call. Related patterns are covered in the guide to living with a partner who has narcissistic traits.

How emotional abuse can affect you

Emotional abuse leaves no bruises, but it does real harm. The CDC notes that survivors of intimate partner violence can experience mental health problems such as depression and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. The Hotline describes how emotional abuse wears down self-worth and confidence, and how it can make people doubt their own judgment, so they talk themselves out of what they saw and felt.

The Hotline also notes that emotional abuse can escalate to physical violence, sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly. That is another reason to take it seriously and to make a plan with someone who understands abuse.

Why couples therapy is not the first step

When there is abuse or fear in a relationship, couples therapy is generally not the recommended first step. The National Domestic Violence Hotline does not encourage anyone in an abusive relationship to seek counseling with their partner, and puts it simply: abuse is not a relationship problem. It explains that an abuser may use what is said in therapy against their partner later, that the safety of the therapy room does not extend to home, that a therapist may not realize abuse is present, and that counseling cannot fix the unequal power at the heart of abuse.

The article on when couples therapy is not recommended goes into the reasons and the alternatives. Couples counseling is designed for partners who both feel safe, even if they argue a lot. It is not designed to manage abuse. Before couples sessions begin, Moshe Ratson screens and assesses for abuse.

What can help

• Talk to an advocate. Hotline advocates offer support, education and safety planning, free and confidentially. They can also connect you with local resources.
• Reach out to someone you trust. Abuse thrives on isolation. A friend or relative who knows what is happening can be an important support.
• Get individual support. Individual therapy can give you a private space to make sense of what has happened, rebuild confidence in your own perceptions and think about your options at your own pace.
• Keep a private record of incidents somewhere your partner cannot find it, if it is safe to do so.

Whatever you decide about the relationship, the decision is yours, and you deserve support while you make it.

If you want to talk to someone

If you would like individual support, you can request a free phone consultation with Moshe Ratson, LMFT, MBA, about individual sessions in Midtown Manhattan or Online by Video. If you feel unsafe, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline first.

Common questions

Sources

• The National Domestic Violence Hotline, The National Domestic Violence Hotline
• Survivors and Victims, New York State Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
• About Intimate Partner Violence, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
• What Is Emotional Abuse?, The National Domestic Violence Hotline
• Types of Abuse, The National Domestic Violence Hotline
• Should I Go to Couples Therapy With My Abusive Partner?, The National Domestic Violence Hotline

This article is part of the Couples Counseling Guide. It is general information, not a substitute for care from a licensed professional who knows your situation.

This article is for general education. It is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis or treatment.