Anger management or the ability to constructively process our emotional state is paramount to our well being. Everyone gets angry, but not everyone knows how to manage it. The problem is not the angry feelings, but rather how do we deal with anger. Our perception and the meaning we attached to the situation that produce the angry feelings as well as the action afterwards is the key to managing anger.
When our view of life comes from a position of entitlement and/or high level of expectations, then when we don’t get what we want or our expectations are not met, we become angry. When we require life, relationship or our partner to be what we want them to be, we cannot avoid of being angry. If we expect life to be fair, we cannot avoid of being angry (Life is not fair. Life is what it is.). When we adapt a victim mentality or attitude, and see the “others” as bad or negative (the “enemy”), we feel that we are entitled to be angry since we think as a victim and need to protect ourselves.
Many people who face anger issues avoid taking responsibility for their anger and refuse to see their contribution to the negative situation or how they escalate the situation. Every time that they insist of being right, they find themselves being “right,” but miserable. They win the argument but loss their relationship. As a result, a vicious cycle of re-activity and anger is amplified and the relationship suffers.
To manage anger in a healthy way, we first require to accept responsibility for our anger and emotion. then, we should try to calm down and express our needs and what hurt us assertively. This constructive attitude, focus on the “I” rather than the “YOU.” It express personal needs, while utilizing constructive communication style and avoiding judgment and blame. If we are able to pause, stop and think before acting rather than impulsively react on our anger, we can process our feelings, integrate our cognitive mind and understand what is causing as to be angry. Then we can better assess our situations, needs and options and while express our needs in a healthy way, also choose the best option to act.
Once we understand that our anger emotion is the result of our own subjective perception, we start recognizing our responsibility to our emotions, we are moving toward a positive direction of managing our anger. Accordingly, the ability to develop realistic expectations for oneself and others will help to eliminate anger problems. This is why being responsible to our anger is the cornerstone of all healthy relationships.
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