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Building Your Emotional Bank Account in Marriage
Posted by:   |  Jan 18, 2016

An emotional bank account does not exist physically. However, it’s very useful as it helps us to understand the reason why certain issues that are quite small and trivial become so big and significant.

Think about this situation for a moment:

You have only $35 in your bank account, and you write a $50 check. There are two things that will happen: firstly, your check would bounce, and secondly, the bank would penalize you and you will end up paying a significant amount of penalty just because you didn’t have sufficient deposits to cover the check.

In the same manner, coming home late, making negative comments, or not asking your partner about their opinion when taking an important decision might appear as something trivial, but these are enough to spoil the peace between you and your partner, particularly when your emotional bank account has little deposits.

Little mistakes and other minor issues can be easily overcome by couples when their emotional bank account is full, which happens when both of the partners feel supported, connected, appreciated, and loved.

So how can you deposit things into your emotional bank account? Well, it’s not really difficult. Deposits can be made when either of you do kind, sweet, even just little things for each other. Whenever you let go or forgive each other’s mistakes. When you compromise something that you wanted just so that your partner could have what they desire. Deposits are also made whenever couples share sincere appreciation and affection as well as share intimacy that makes the relationship flourish. All of these add to your emotional bank account.

When the account is low, it is most likely that both of you have made little or no effort to fill up your emotional bank account. There will be stress and tension in your relationship, just like when you are having money problems and are not sure when new funds might come and from where. This transforms mere things into bigger issues as our patience grows thinner by the day.

Some common withdrawals from your emotional bank account are due to disconnect, disrespect, criticism or blame. Whenever we fail to show consideration or acceptance, or when we totally disregard our partner’s interests and needs, we make these withdrawals. Similarly, when you fail to call your partner during your day to connect or when you makes fun of your partner in public – these things also have a toll on your relationships.

Both partners need to understand that there is no quick solution to fill up your emotional bank account. A lot of hard work and patience is required to steadily increase your balance. Unfortunately, some things can wipe several years savings in one go, things like abuse or adultery.

Ask yourself the following:

  • Have you been helping out your partner?
  • Have you been patient with them?
  • How understanding are you?
  • Do you appreciate the things your partner does for you?
  • Have you been proactive in promoting good actions and atmosphere in the relationship?

If you have answered yes to any of the questions above, you’re doing a good job. On the other hand, you should also keep a check on whether you are involved in any of the following:

  • Being lazy or passive
  • Having short-temper
  • Feeling disconnected
  • Being critical or not forgiving
  • Acting sarcastically
  • Behaving in an angry way

The above things will negatively affect your emotional deposits – so be wary of them!

Please visit spiral2grow author, Moshe Ratson at his Google+ Profile: +Moshe Ratson



Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) in New York City
License # : 000697