Discernment Counseling: When One of You Is Not Sure About Staying
Discernment counseling is a short, structured process for couples in which one partner is leaning toward ending the relationship and the other wants to save it. Over one to five sessions, a counselor helps each of you get clearer about three options: staying as you are, separating, or committing to six months of couples therapy.
What is discernment counseling?
Discernment counseling was developed by family therapist William Doherty and colleagues at the University of Minnesota for what they call “mixed-agenda” couples: one person is leaning toward divorce, and the other wants to preserve the relationship and work on it. In the article that describes the approach, the authors note that these couples are common in clinical practice but had been largely neglected in the professional literature.
The goal is not to fix the relationship. The stated goal is clarity and confidence about the next step, based on a deeper understanding of what each partner has contributed to the problems. The University of Minnesota’s Couples on the Brink project puts it bluntly: it is not marriage counseling aimed at solving your problems or bringing you closer.
That distinction matters. Ordinary couples therapy asks both partners to work on change. When one of you has a foot out the door, that request can feel like pressure, and the therapy tends to be half-hearted. Discernment counseling slows things down and asks a prior question: do you both want to try?
Who is discernment counseling for?
It fits a specific situation. One of you, often called the “leaning-out” partner, thinks ending the relationship may be the right answer but is not certain. The other, the “leaning-in” partner, wants to stay and try. You may recognize some of these:
- One of you has raised separation or divorce, and the other was caught off guard.
- You tried couples therapy before and one of you was not really in it.
- The leaning-out partner feels worn out and doubts that anything can change.
- The leaning-in partner is pleading, promising or panicking, and it is not helping.
The model was designed with married couples who were considering divorce. Unmarried long-term partners can face the same dilemma, but the published description and data come from married couples.
If your partner will not attend any kind of session, that is a different problem, covered in what to do when your partner refuses couples therapy.
How do discernment counseling sessions work?
The format is brief by design. According to the University of Minnesota project, the process can be as short as one session and lasts at most five. You commit to only one session at the start, and you decide after each one whether to come back. The project describes a first session of two hours and later sessions of an hour and a half.
Much of the time is spent one on one. The counselor meets with you together briefly, then talks with each partner separately while the other waits, and then brings you back together to share what each of you took from the conversation.
The two individual conversations are different in purpose:
- With the leaning-out partner, the counselor explores the decision itself. What has led you here? What have you tried? What was your own part in how things went?
- With the leaning-in partner, the counselor works on how to handle this period without pushing your partner further away, and on what you would need to change if you were given the chance.
The counselor is not supposed to lobby for either outcome. In the developers’ description, each person’s reasons for wanting to end or to preserve the relationship are respected.
What are the three paths?
Each session comes back to the same three options, as the Doherty Relationship Institute describes them:
- Path one: stay as you are. Keep the relationship as it has been and make no decision for now.
- Path two: separate or divorce.
- Path three: six months of couples therapy. An all-out effort, with a clear agenda for personal change for each of you and with divorce off the table for that period. At the end, you look again at where you stand.
Path three is not a promise to stay together forever. It is an agreement to stop debating the ending for a set time and put real effort into finding out what the relationship could be.
How is it different from couples therapy?
| Discernment counseling | Couples therapy | |
|---|---|---|
| Main question | Should we try to repair this? | How do we repair this? |
| Length | One to five sessions | Open-ended, often weekly for some months |
| Format | Mostly separate conversations with each partner | Mostly joint sessions |
| What it assumes | You want different things right now | You both want to work on the relationship |
| Result | A decision about direction | Changes in how you relate |
The two can follow each other. Discernment counseling often ends with a decision to start couples therapy, and at that point the work changes. If you are wondering whether you have left it too long for that, see is it too late for couples therapy.
What does the research show?
The evidence is early and limited, and it is worth being honest about that. In the 2016 paper, Doherty, Harris and Wilde reported on 100 consecutive couples seen for discernment counseling. About half chose to start couples therapy in order to reconcile, and most of the rest chose the divorce path.
Keep three limits in mind. This was a case series reported by the people who developed the method, not a controlled trial, so there was no comparison group. The couples had chosen to come, which makes them different from couples in general. And choosing couples therapy is not the same thing as the relationship lasting or improving in the long run.
What the numbers do suggest is that a decision to leave is often less settled than it sounds in the middle of a fight, and that a short, structured pause can help some couples choose a direction on purpose.
When is it the wrong fit, and when should you get help?
Discernment counseling is not the right setting if you are afraid of your partner or if there has been violence, threats or coercive control. A process built on honest conversation does not work when one person is not safe to speak. In that situation, start with confidential support for yourself. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at 1-800-799-7233 and thehotline.org.
It is also not a good fit when one of you has firmly decided to leave and is hoping a counselor will deliver the news, or when one partner is being forced to attend.
It is worth getting professional help when the question of staying or going has been open for months and neither of you can move, when you keep having the same conversation about leaving, or when you are about to make a major decision in the heat of anger. Some couples consider time apart at this stage. Read about the tradeoffs in does a trial separation help, and about the early warning signs many couples ignore before divorce.
Not every therapist offers discernment counseling as a formal protocol, so ask directly. spiral2grow’s couples counseling is open to couples in which one or both partners have mixed feelings about staying together, and the practice describes that work as a place to explore the uncertainty, get clear about your options and define your goals.
Talking it through
If one of you is unsure about staying, you can request a free phone consultation with Moshe Ratson, LMFT, and ask how he would approach your situation. Sessions take place in Midtown Manhattan or Online by Video. There is no obligation to book after the call.
Common questions
Between one and five. According to the University of Minnesota project where the approach was developed, you commit to a single session at the start and decide after each one whether to return. The first session is described as two hours long and later sessions as an hour and a half.
It was developed for married couples considering divorce, and the published case data come from married couples. The same dilemma, one partner leaning out and one leaning in, also happens in long-term unmarried relationships. Ask any counselor you contact whether they use the approach with unmarried partners.
No. The stated goal is clarity and confidence about the next step, not a particular outcome. The counselor is meant to respect both the reasons for leaving and the reasons for staying. Some couples choose to try couples therapy, some decide to separate, and some decide to leave things as they are for now.
Then discernment counseling is probably not what you need. It is meant for people who are leaning toward ending the relationship but are still uncertain. If your decision is firm, individual support, mediation or legal advice may serve you better, and it is kinder to tell your partner directly than to let a counselor do it.
Sources
- Discernment Counseling for “Mixed-Agenda” Couples (Doherty, Harris & Wilde, 2016), Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, PubMed, National Library of Medicine
- Discernment Counseling, Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project, University of Minnesota
- Discernment Counseling, The Doherty Relationship Institute
This article is part of the Couples Counseling Guide. It is general information, not a substitute for care from a licensed professional who knows your situation.
This article is for general education. It is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis or treatment.
