Long-Distance Relationship Problems and How Couples Handle Them
Long-distance relationships are not doomed. Studies find they are about as satisfying and as stable as relationships between people who live near each other. The usual problems are uneven communication, uncertainty about the future, jealousy, and a rocky adjustment when you finally live in the same place. Clear agreements and an end date help with most of them.
Are long-distance relationships really worse off?
Less than most people assume. When researchers compare couples who live apart with couples who live near each other, they find few differences in how the relationships are going.
A study using a nationally representative sample of 870 people found that those in long-distance relationships reported relationship quality that was generally as high or higher, more dedication to the relationship, and less of a feeling of being trapped. At follow-up, they were as likely to have broken up as people in close-proximity relationships. Not more likely, and not less.
A second study of more than 1,100 people in dating relationships reached a similar conclusion: few differences between long-distance and geographically close couples, with relationship and personal characteristics predicting quality more than distance did. The authors conclude that people in long-distance dating relationships “are not at a disadvantage.”
One limit to keep in mind: most of this research involves dating relationships, often among younger adults. Much less is known about married couples who live apart for work, or about couples separated across borders for years.
What are the most common long-distance problems?
Distance does not create new kinds of problems so much as it removes the easy fixes. You cannot repair a bad phone call with a hug an hour later. These are the issues couples raise most often.
- Mismatched communication needs. One of you wants to text through the day and the other finds it draining. Calls start to feel like an obligation.
- Time zones and schedules. Someone is always tired, at work or about to go to sleep.
- Uncertainty about the future. There is no date when the distance ends, or you disagree about who should move.
- Jealousy and insecurity. You see less of each other’s daily life, so imagination fills the gaps.
- Unequal effort. One partner does most of the traveling, spending or rearranging.
- Visits under pressure. Limited time together has to be perfect, so you avoid hard topics and then argue on the last night.
- Missing ordinary closeness. Physical affection, shared meals and small routines are harder to replace than conversation.
- Parallel lives. Each of you builds friends and habits the other is not part of.
Why can a relationship feel closer from far away?
There is a twist in the research. In a diary study published in the Journal of Communication, long-distance dating couples did two things more than nearby couples: they disclosed more about themselves, and they formed more idealized views of the relationship. Both were tied to feeling more intimate.
The first is a strength. When conversation is all you have, you tend to get good at it. The second cuts both ways. If you mostly see your partner on video and on carefully planned weekends, you see them at their most attentive. You do not see how they handle a bad commute or a sink full of dishes. Idealization feels good while you are apart and can set you up for a jolt later.
Why is moving to the same place so hard?
Many couples expect the end of the distance to be the end of their problems. Often it is the start of a new adjustment.
A study of long-distance dating relationships that became geographically close found that about half of long-distance partners eventually made that transition, and among those who reunited, one-third ended the relationship within three months. People described a loss of autonomy, trouble managing time, more conflict and jealousy, and learning both good and unwelcome things about their partner. Some missed parts of the long-distance arrangement itself, such as independence and the novelty of visits. These were dating relationships, so the numbers may not carry over to established or married couples.
The lesson is that reunion deserves as much planning as separation. If closing the gap means sharing a home for the first time, the conversations to have before moving in together apply to you too.
What do couples who handle distance well tend to do?
Research in this area is mostly descriptive, so treat these as practical suggestions and not tested prescriptions.
- Agree on a rhythm, then revisit it. Decide together how often you will talk and by what means. Check every few weeks whether it still works for both of you.
- Share the boring parts. Talk about the dull meeting and what you ate, not only highlights. It keeps your picture of each other realistic and counters idealization.
- Have hard conversations by voice or video. Text strips out tone. If a message stings, call. Phones and social media in relationships has more on how screens help and hurt.
- Set expectations out loud. Talk about exclusivity, socializing, and what each of you would want to be told about. Unspoken rules are where jealousy grows. The practice’s article on how to build trust in a relationship goes deeper.
- Keep the next visit on the calendar. Having a date to look forward to makes the stretch in between easier.
- Let visits be ordinary. Leave room for errands, quiet time and one honest conversation, not only special plans.
- Work toward an end date. You may not know exactly when or where, but agree on how the decision will be made and review it regularly.
- Share the cost. Travel time and money should feel fair to both of you, even if they are not split evenly.
What is different about long distance for New York couples?
In New York City, distance is often driven by careers and paperwork more than by choice. One partner takes a role in another city or abroad. A training program, a graduate degree or a visa timeline keeps you in different places. Some couples live in the same region but see each other only on weekends because of travel-heavy jobs.
In these situations the distance can quietly become open-ended, because there is always one more promotion or one more year. A common pattern is that one partner believes the arrangement is temporary while the other has started to treat it as normal. If you have not talked about the timeline in months, it is worth asking each other directly.
When is it worth getting help?
Most long-distance strain can be worked out between the two of you. Consider outside help if you keep having the same argument about commitment or moving, if distrust is growing despite reassurance, or if you have reunited and are fighting more than you did apart.
Distance does not rule out therapy. A 2022 review of the couple therapy field notes that videoconferencing has become a major format and is sometimes the only workable option when partners are geographically separated. It reports that therapists mostly find it works as well as meeting in person, which is clinicians’ impression and not a head-to-head trial. This guide’s article on whether online couples therapy works looks at the evidence.
Couples counseling at spiral2grow is available at the Midtown office and Online by Video. The practice’s page on online counseling explains how video sessions work.
Start with a short call
If distance is wearing on your relationship, a brief conversation can help you decide on a next step. Moshe Ratson, LMFT, offers a free phone consultation and sees couples in Midtown Manhattan and Online by Video. Get in touch through the contact page.
Common questions
Many do. In a nationally representative study, people in long-distance relationships were as likely to still be together at follow-up as people living near their partners. Distance alone is not a reliable predictor. Commitment, the quality of your communication and whether you share a plan for the future matter more.
There is no correct number. What matters is that the rhythm suits both of you and is agreed, not assumed. Some couples like a short daily call and others prefer longer conversations a few times a week. If one of you feels smothered or neglected, renegotiate the rhythm openly.
Reunion changes the relationship. In one study of dating couples, about a third of those who reunited ended things within three months. People described losing autonomy, more conflict and jealousy, and learning new things about their partner. Expecting an adjustment period makes it less alarming when it comes.
Video sessions make it possible for many couples. A major review of the field notes that videoconferencing is sometimes the only practical option when partners are separated by work or other circumstances. Ask the therapist how sessions are set up when the two of you are in different places.
Sources
- Relationship quality, commitment, and stability in long-distance relationships (Kelmer et al., 2013), Family Process, via PubMed
- Go long! Predictors of positive relationship outcomes in long-distance dating relationships (Dargie et al., 2015), Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, via PubMed
- Absence makes the communication grow fonder: Geographic separation, interpersonal media and intimacy in dating relationships (Jiang & Hancock, 2013), Journal of Communication, via Stanford Social Media Lab
- When long-distance dating partners become geographically close (Stafford, Merolla & Castle, 2006), Journal of Social and Personal Relationships
- Couple therapy in the 2020s: Current status and emerging developments (Lebow & Snyder, 2022), Family Process, via PubMed Central
This article is part of the Couples Counseling Guide. It is general information, not a substitute for care from a licensed professional who knows your situation.
This article is for general education. It is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis or treatment.
