It is necessary to the happiness of man that he be mentally faithful to himself. Infidelity consists in professing to believe what he does not believe. – Thomas Pain

Overcoming Infidelity NYC

spiral2grow Marriage Family Therapy is a leading provider in infidelity recovery in New York City. It has couples and marriage therapists, who are expert in helping couples overcoming infidelity or extramarital affair and saving marital betrayal while using this crisis as a springboard to build trust and enhance the relationship. spiral2grow, located in midtown Manhattan at 260 Madison #8023, New York, NY 10016, offers effective, proven marriage counseling and couples therapy to provide couples the necessary tools to heal after the infidelity and overcome affair.

Overcoming Affair

While most people are romantic and aspire to be monogamous, many people find themselves cheating on their spouse. They find themselves in a conflicting desires; in a conflict  between their values and their behaviors. They might find themselves crossing a line they didn’t think they would ever cross. After the affair, they may have realized that the price they paid is very high, including the hurt, pain and suffering they caused their loved one. It clearly also hurt them too.

Relationship after infidelity is like entering a whole new planet with new rules of physics. All the physical and emotional connections as well as the habits that the partners have spent years building are suddenly broken beyond comprehension.  It simply does not make sense. The idea that from now on you can never trust your partner again is unbearable to the betrayed spouse and it also fills the unfaithful partner with feeling of hopelessness. The couples face one of the most difficult challenges to overcome. Yet, many relationships are repairable after an affair. In fact, many couples find that after affair recovery, their marriage thrives. For that to succeed, the commitment, patience, effort that is required as well as remorse, open heart and other qualities that are necessary for healing.

Guideline to overcome infidelity and rebuild trust

  • Take responsibility for the affair
    • When the affair is reveled, the unfaithful spouse must be honest and must admit what happened as well as taking responsibility to their actions. This is a necessary step to begin the process of renewed trust in your mate. Only then, the relationship will have a chance at redemption and you will have the possibility of a second chance.
    • The unfaithful spouse must take full responsibility for the affair and show remorse for the pain caused to their spouse. It is a pre-requisite before the healing process starts. Regardless of the reasons for the affair, the acknowledgement of how much the betrayal hurt your spouse, how difficult it must be to move past it is very important. Acknowledging the degree of pain the unfaithful partners caused on their partner is important. It is vital for healing that the unfaithful partner understands, tolerates and empathizes with the hurt partner’s pain. Also, it is very helpful to make a clear statement of your commitment to do whatever it takes to make things better.
    • People make mistakes, but owning up to them makes you a better person. When you take full ownership of your own impulsivity, selfishness, immaturity, or basic destructive relationship behavior, you make a clear statement that “I want to change my ways and do better,” you own your decision and behavior without excuses.
  • Be honest
    • To regain the trust in the relationship, the unfaithful partner must commit to stop lying, to be honest, even about information that might be hurtful. The only way to rebuild the trust is simply be sincere and honest and transparent and to and always tell the truth. Therefore, the  cheaters must amend their way and avoid dishonesty.
    • If cheater continues to lie, it sets the reconciliation process way back and make it even worse. If the betrayed partner discovers that you have lied about or left out some details, they will likely never trust you again. So, avoid the strong desire to cover up things and protect yourself or your partner. Remember that the truth will set you free. The truth is the only way to rebuild your relationship and the only way to reclaim your own integrity. You simply cannot build a relationship on lies, dishonesty and deception.
  • Talk about the meaning of the affair
    • Some people may think that discussing the affair with the spouse will only create more upset. However, the opposite is true. Talking about the affair itself is a major part of the process of moving beyond the affair and start healing. It is important to deliberately focus on dealing with the affair and what comes with it, rather than avoiding it. It is, also, necessary for the partner who had the affair to answer all the questions, sometimes repeatedly. Yes, the focus should be on the meaning and reason for the affair rather than technicalities on where did you have sex? how many times? which positions etc. Yes, the desire to know the answer to these questions are strong, but many times can be difficult to overcome and even traumatic. Also, the way to response to such questions should be done with gentleness and care.
    • By asking multiple questions, the betrayed partner get up to speed, thus obtaining necessary information to deal with feelings of being blindsided, while their partner was trying to hide things from them. The betrayed partner is going to ask lots of questions and want details about things unfaithful partner may not want to answer. The unfaithful partner is going to cross reference prior stories and ask to confirm if “this” or “that” was a lie. With all this challenge, the unfaithful partner needs to answer. Withholding information about the affair gives the impression of an attempt to continue the deception. Talking about the affair is very difficult, yet it is the only way to improve the chance of repair and rebuilding trust and intimacy.
  • Be open and transparent
    • Make a commitment to an ongoing open communication, even when transparency is uncomfortable and hurtful. Transparency, in this case, means more than just “not lying.” It also means not withholding relevant information. Voluntary sharing additional secrets clearly state your intention to build trust and not hold secretive information. You need to be as open as possible in your relationship in order to show that you have nothing to hide.
    • Do everything you can to let your partner know that you have nothing to hide. If your partner requests, give them your phone, email and voice mail pass codes. When you are open and transparent, your partner will also feel that they should be open enough to you as well.
    • If you have nothing to hide, offer your partner the codes without them having to ask. Don’t clear you phones call log, messages or lock phone or email. Allow your partner to check and see any and all of your messages emails etc. and assure them that, from now on, you will be truthful. Remember, this is a temporarily solution until trust is restore. Considering the you breach trust, you must do whatever it takes to regain the trust. Although you may feel as though some of these are a violation of your privacy, you need to know that truth and transparency are absolutely necessary if you are trying to rebuild trust. Remember, dishonesty will never get you to your goal of loving your spouse again. Once individuals break the trust of their partner, it takes a while and a whole lot of effort to get it back.
  • Express sincere remorse
    • The unfaithful partner must be regretful, remorseful, empathetic and compassionate. Remorse needs to be expressed in both verbal and nonverbal ways.  “Sorry” needs to be conveyed through the eyes, body language and actions wholeheartedly, again and again, until trust has been restored. The unfaithful partners can’t apologize often enough. They need to tell their spouse that they will never do adultery again. In many cases, the betrayed partner may not see a lot of remorse until the relationship begins to cool down and the overwhelming emotionality has subsided. Also, the betrayed partner must recognize that the unfaithful partner understand that the affair is a horrible mistake and should not happened again.
    •  In addition, expressing appreciation for another chance gives the betrayed partner a clear message that you are sorry for what you have done, that you are mindful of their pain, and that as long as you are aware of their struggle to overcome the ordeal, you will be less likely to make such terrible decision again in the future.
  • Be available for partner and make them feel good
    • Emotional connection after an affair is very challenging, yet it is important that the unfaithful partner make a large effort to be emotionally available. Supporting one another during such time, being their, answering questions, expressing feelings will help building up the trust and will eliminate aggression and regressions in the relationship. Keeping communication open, including electric (phone, text, email) promote direct, quick and free access when they need.
    • The betrayed partner will appreciate the fact that you are making yourself available and showing your seriousness about rebuilding trust in a marriage or relationship. Giving your partner your full attention during this challenging time will help them to regain the feelings of importance in your life. it provide a clear indication that you are truly invested and that you are unlikely to repeat your mistake and hurt or betray them again. Any gesture or actions toward making your partner feeling good, will more than likely make them feel a little better about themselves and at the same time will open the door to your reconciliation and lead the way to recovery.
    • In rebuilding trust after an affair, the unfaithful partners are required to go out of their way to demonstrate their willingness to amend their way and avoid potential temptations. Building an inventory of positive interactions including a caring responses and actions even in the face of painful or negative interactions will create positive energy and will encourage your partner to move beyond the pain associated with the affair. It is also important to express, physically and verbally to how much you care or love them, this will help your partner to overcome the anger, shame and humiliation as well as the hurt that comes along with the betrayal.
  • Communicate and express your feelings and needs
    • Healthy relationship starts with communication – expressing feelings, and needs. It is important to understand yourself, identify your need and express them in a healthy way. Healthy communication means being assertive (not passive and not aggressive), yet being respectful.
    • Expressing your need, demonstrates to your partner how much you trust them. By allowing them to see what makes you happy, you are becoming vulnerable to them and to their reactions. They might not like what you’ve decided, though they probably will appreciate the fact that you are telling them what you need from them.
    • Find the time, and even better allocate time to talk with each other so that you both know where the other one stands. This will allow you to feel as though there is nothing that you’re not communicating to the other. It is better than being in the dark and unclear about your position.
    • Remember, both partners are part of a team. Both partners need to do for the relationship and the family. It’s not just what the person who had the affair needs to do.
  • Be patient and committed
    • Not often, the unfaithful partner wants to “move forward” and putting the affair behind. The betrayed partners may think that since they have confessed, apologized and clearly stated that he would remain honest and loyal, things should return to normal. Unfortunately, this is simply not a realistic request. Restoring trust in a broken relationship will take time and energy, and it’s a process that’s measured in years, not months. So, be patient and don’t expect things to return back to normal after a short time.
    • At the same time, the hurt spouses have totally different process to manage. They are in a stage of discovery, grief and pain. In many cases The betrayed spouse cannot let go and still hold on to the betrayal as a way to protect themselves and sending a clear message to the unfaithful partner “you hurt me badly, and it is hard for me to move on.” Or “I still want to punish you for what you have done and for you to feel my hurt.” The fact of the matter is, that your partner may never fully be “over it”, but may still learn how to mentally move past the lies, or the betrayal.
    • Process the infidelity is hard, and time consuming. It requires patience and openness.  Take your time to get the information you need. Most couples repeat questions, repeat telling parts of the story, and rehash some of their conversations about the affair many times. It is not an easy process, yet it is best to take it slowly and rushing will only be counterproductive. It takes time to heal the wounds of an affair.
    • Inconsistency is a natural process specially after revealing the affair. One minute you and your spouse talk about spending quality time together, the next time you fight. Accept that your partner will be on a roller coaster of emotions. Mood changes, sudden tears, angry and explosive behaviors or withdrawal are natural.
    • Although it takes time to rebuild trust after an affair, remember that you are rebuilding a new character in your relationship. So take it slow, build your foundation, give it your best and show your partner how much you regret your actions and that you really care for them and the relationship. Be patient. It is hard to forgive and forget after betrayal and rebuilding trust takes time.
  • Seriously consider couples therapy
    • Infidelity is one of the most challenging that any couples can face. It is hurtful and devastating while it put the relationship is a serious jeopardy. Most couples having difficulties in manage infidelity by themselves and even more difficult is to find a constructive ways to restore the trust and rebuild the relationship. Therefore, many couples look for professional help to guide them through this difficult process.
    • Marriage therapy or couples counseling provides safe environment, support and guidelines to help partners manage their painful and difficult feelings. In the counseling process both spouses will gradually expand their understanding of each other and their marital issues. Each partner is required to take responsibility for change. The infidelity crisis, even though devastating, can serve as an opportunity, for the couples to create something new, stronger, and more open and honest.
    • Infidelity can shatter even the strongest relationship, leaving behind feelings of betrayal, guilt, and anger. Therapy provides the necessary tools for communication and exercises to work on healing, and restoration of trust, building healthy relationship skill and overcoming the infidelity. Before you destroy the possibility for recreating a previously painful relationship, consider looking for qualified professional counseling that is expert in infidelity. You may be able to restore something worth having and recreate the relationship you wish for.

Read more about infidelity counseling in New York City

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