Phones and Social Media in Relationships
Phones rarely ruin a relationship by themselves, but constant small interruptions add up. When one partner regularly turns to a screen mid-conversation, the other tends to feel less important, and studies link those moments to more conflict and lower satisfaction. A few shared phone-free times, and an honest talk about what the scrolling replaces, are a good place to start.
How common is it for phones to come between partners?
Common enough to be ordinary. In a Pew Research Center survey of 4,860 U.S. adults conducted in October 2019, 51% of people in a relationship said their partner is at least sometimes distracted by a cellphone when they are trying to have a conversation, and 16% said this happens often. Four in ten said they are at least sometimes bothered by the amount of time their partner spends on the phone.
That survey is several years old, so treat the exact numbers as a snapshot. The point stands: if this is a sore point in your home, it does not mean something unusual is wrong with your relationship.
What do researchers mean by phubbing and technoference?
“Phubbing” is short for phone snubbing: turning to your phone while someone is with you. “Technoference” is a broader research term for everyday interruptions of time together by devices.
Several studies have looked at what these interruptions are associated with:
- In a two-part study of 182 and 239 married or cohabiting couples, more technoference was related to more conflict over technology use, and that conflict was related to lower relationship satisfaction and weaker teamwork as parents.
- In a daily diary study, both partners in 173 couples answered short surveys for 14 days. On days when people reported more technoference than usual, they felt worse about the relationship, reported more conflict over technology, rated their time together as less positive and were in a worse mood. This held for men and women alike.
- In a survey of 158 young adult couples, technoference was linked to lower relationship and sexual satisfaction for the person reporting it, and to lower relationship satisfaction for their partner.
The limits matter. These studies are based on what people report, and they show that technoference and dissatisfaction go together, not that phones cause the dissatisfaction. It is just as plausible that people reach for a phone more when a relationship already feels flat or tense. The fair conclusion is modest: how you both feel about phone use during time together is connected to how you feel about the relationship that day.
Why does a glance at a screen hurt so much?
Because of what it communicates, not how long it lasts. When you start to say something and your partner’s eyes drop to a screen, the message received is “that is more interesting than you.” Your partner almost never means that. The check was automatic.
The gap between intent and impact is where the fights come from. One of you says, “You are always on your phone.” The other hears an exaggeration and defends: “I looked for two seconds.” Now you are arguing about seconds instead of about feeling unimportant.
Attention is one of the main ways partners show each other they matter. Small moments of turning toward each other, answering a comment or looking up when the other walks in, do a lot of quiet work in a relationship. A phone does not end those moments, but it competes with them all day long. The site’s article on daily habits that strengthen emotional connection has ideas for rebuilding them.
What about social media, jealousy and checking each other’s phones?
Social media adds a second layer: not only how much attention the phone gets, but who is on the other end of it. In the same Pew survey, 23% of partnered adults whose partner uses social media said they had felt jealous or unsure about their relationship because of how their partner interacts with others there. And 34% of partnered adults said they had looked through their partner’s phone without that person’s knowledge.
A few distinctions help:
- Privacy is not secrecy. Privacy is having your own conversations and thoughts. Secrecy is hiding something because you know it would hurt your partner or break an agreement.
- Agreements beat assumptions. Couples differ on whether it is fine to follow a former partner, message a coworker late at night or post about the relationship. Say what you each expect.
- Snooping rarely settles anything. It may ease anxiety for an hour, and it damages trust in both directions. If you feel driven to check, the real subject is the doubt itself. The article on coping with jealousy in romantic relationships may help.
There is a firm line here. A partner who demands your passwords, tracks your location without your agreement, monitors your messages or controls who you can contact is not showing ordinary jealousy. That is controlling behavior and can be a form of abuse. Couples therapy is not the right first step in that situation. You can talk with the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
What phone agreements work for couples?
A rule that one partner imposes on the other is likely to be resented. Agreements you design together are easier to keep. Some that couples commonly use:
- Phone-free anchors. Choose two or three daily moments, such as meals, the first ten minutes after coming home and the last half hour before sleep.
- Announce the exception. “I need to answer this, it is my boss. Two minutes.” Narrating turns a snub into a brief pause.
- Charge phones outside the bedroom, or at least out of reach.
- Make notifications quieter. Turn off the ones that are not from people who need you.
- Agree on a light signal. A word or a hand on the arm that means “I would like your attention,” without sarcasm.
- Start with your own habit. It is easier to see your partner’s scrolling than your own.
Try an agreement for two weeks, then review it. Expect slips. The goal is not a perfect record. It is that each of you can count on getting the other’s full attention at predictable times.
What if the phone is a symptom and not the cause?
Often it is. A phone is a convenient place to go when you are depleted, anxious or avoiding something. Before you treat the phone as the enemy, ask what it is doing for each of you.
- Recovery. After a draining day, scrolling can be the only thing that asks nothing of you. If work is taking everything, see when work stress comes home.
- Avoidance. If conversations tend to become arguments, a screen is a way to prevent one. That overlaps with stonewalling and the silent treatment.
- Connection elsewhere. If you feel more appreciated online than at home, that is information about what is missing between you.
In these cases, limits on screen time will not hold until the underlying issue is addressed.
When is it worth getting help?
Most couples can sort out phone habits themselves. Consider outside help if every attempt to talk about it becomes a fight, if phone use is tied to secrecy or a breach of trust, or if the screens are covering a distance that neither of you knows how to close. In couples counseling, the phone is usually the way into a larger conversation about attention, trust and what each of you needs.
Talk with someone about it
If phones or social media have become a regular source of conflict, Moshe Ratson, LMFT, offers a free phone consultation. Sessions take place in Midtown Manhattan and Online by Video. You can send a message through the contact page to set up a time.
Common questions
Phubbing means snubbing the person you are with by paying attention to your phone. In a relationship it might be checking messages during dinner or scrolling while your partner is talking. One instance is minor. When it happens routinely, the other partner often starts to feel ignored or less important than the screen.
Looking without their knowledge usually harms trust, whatever you find. If you feel a strong urge to check, it is more useful to say what you are worried about and ask directly. Some couples agree to share devices openly, and that is fine when both partners choose it freely.
Pick a calm time, not the moment it is happening. Describe a specific situation and how you felt, such as feeling shut out at dinner, and avoid words like always. Then propose one small change to try together, for example phone-free meals for two weeks, and include your own habits.
It can add strain, mainly through distraction, comparison with other couples, and contact with other people that one partner finds threatening. Research links heavy device use during couple time with more conflict, but it does not prove that social media causes marriages to fail. Clear agreements about what is acceptable help prevent misunderstandings.
Sources
- Dating and Relationships in the Digital Age (Vogels & Anderson, 2020), Pew Research Center
- ‘Technoference’ and Implications for Mothers’ and Fathers’ Couple and Coparenting Relationship Quality (McDaniel et al., 2018), Computers in Human Behavior, via PubMed
- Daily Technology Interruptions and Emotional and Relational Well-Being (McDaniel & Drouin, 2019), Computers in Human Behavior, via PubMed
- The Dyadic Association among Technoference and Relationship and Sexual Satisfaction of Young Adult Couples (Hipp & Carlson, 2021), Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, via PubMed
- National Domestic Violence Hotline, National Domestic Violence Hotline
This article is part of the Couples Counseling Guide. It is general information, not a substitute for care from a licensed professional who knows your situation.
This article is for general education. It is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis or treatment.
