Stonewalling and the Silent Treatment in Relationships
Stonewalling is when one partner shuts down and stops responding during a conflict, usually because they are overwhelmed. The silent treatment is silence used to punish or to get a result. Both leave the other person feeling shut out. The way through is a real pause with a promise to come back, not a wall.
What is stonewalling?
The Gottman Institute describes stonewalling as what happens when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down and simply stops responding. It can look like:
- Going silent or giving one-word answers
- Looking away, turning away or leaving the room
- Suddenly getting busy with a phone, a screen or a chore
- A blank face that gives nothing back
Stonewalling is one of four conflict habits the Gottman Institute groups together, along with criticism, contempt and defensiveness. The guide covers the full set in the Four Horsemen of relationships. This article stays with the last one and with its close relative, the silent treatment.
Is the silent treatment the same thing as stonewalling?
They overlap, and from the receiving end they can feel identical. The difference is mostly in what is driving the silence.
| Stonewalling | Silent treatment | |
|---|---|---|
| When it happens | In the middle of a tense conversation | Often after it, for hours or days |
| What is behind it | Overwhelm. The person cannot think or talk well and shuts down to cope. | Hurt or anger expressed by withholding contact, sometimes to make a point or get a change |
| How aware the person is | Often not a decision. It can feel automatic. | More often chosen, even if it does not feel fully deliberate |
| How it lands | “You don’t care enough to answer me.” | “I am being punished.” |
Real life is messier than a table. A shutdown that begins as overwhelm can harden into a cold silence that lasts all weekend. What matters most is not the label but whether the silence has an end and a way back.
Why do people shut down in an argument?
The Gottman Institute’s explanation is physiological. Stonewalling, it says, usually happens when a person is physiologically flooded: heart rate climbs, stress hormones are released, and the body moves toward fight or flight. In that state it is very hard to listen, think clearly or say anything useful. Going quiet is a way to stop things from getting worse. To the other partner, it looks like indifference.
The same article reports that 85% of the stonewallers studied in the Gottman lab were men. That figure comes from one research program that studied mostly married, different-sex couples, so it is not a rule about men and women. Anyone, in any kind of couple, can be the one who shuts down.
The situation matters too. In a study of 31 couples observed discussing two kinds of conflict, both husbands and wives were more likely to withdraw when the topic was a change their partner wanted, and more likely to press when it was a change they wanted themselves. In other words, the person who goes quiet is often the one being asked to change. It was a small study of married, different-sex couples, but it helps explain why roles can flip depending on the topic.
Other common reasons include growing up in a home where conflict was dangerous or where silence was the rule, a fear of saying something that cannot be taken back, and a history of arguments that never went anywhere.
What does repeated silence do to a relationship?
It feeds a loop. One partner withdraws. The other feels abandoned and pushes harder, with more words, more volume or more criticism. That pressure makes the first partner more overwhelmed, and they withdraw further. The guide describes this cycle in the pursuer-distancer pattern.
Being ignored also hurts in its own right. A research review on ostracism concluded that even brief episodes of being ignored or excluded produce sadness and anger and threaten basic needs such as belonging and self-esteem, and that the available evidence on long-term exposure points toward depleted coping, depression and helplessness. That research covers being ignored in many settings, much of it in laboratory studies, not romantic partners alone.
In couples research, withdrawal shows up alongside other warning signs. In an early Gottman and Levenson study that followed 73 married couples over four years, the group at greater risk of separating showed more withdrawal from interaction and more defensiveness, among other differences. That is a small sample and an association, not proof that silence ends relationships. It is a reason not to let the habit set in.
What can each of you do about it?
If you are the one who shuts down
The goal is not to force yourself to keep talking while flooded. It is to replace a wall with a pause.
- Learn your early signs. A tight chest, heat in your face, a racing heart, a mind that goes blank.
- Say you need a break, in words. Something like: “I’m too worked up to do this well. I need a break, and I’ll come back to it.” Naming it is what separates a pause from stonewalling.
- Give a return time. The Gottman Institute recommends that the break last at least twenty minutes, because the body needs time to settle.
- Actually calm down. Walk, breathe slowly, listen to music, do something absorbing. Replaying the argument or building your case keeps you flooded.
- Come back. You restart the conversation, since you were the one who paused it. This is the step that builds trust.
If your partner shuts down on you
- Don’t chase. Following your partner from room to room or raising your voice makes the overwhelm worse, however reasonable your frustration.
- Soften how you start. Opening with a complaint about a specific situation, and what you need, is easier to stay present for than “you always” or “you never.”
- Agree on a time-out plan when you are both calm. Pick a word or signal, a minimum break and who restarts. Then honor it, even mid-argument.
- Say what the silence does to you. Later, calmly: “When you go quiet, I feel alone with it.” That is information, not an accusation.
- Look after yourself during the gap. Call a friend, go for a walk. You do not have to sit in the silence waiting.
The practice has more on calming a conversation in its post on de-escalation techniques in healthy relationships.
When is silence about control?
A partner who needs twenty minutes to calm down is very different from a partner who refuses to speak to you for days until you apologize, give in or stop seeing certain people. The National Domestic Violence Hotline defines relationship abuse as a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another. If silence in your relationship is part of a wider pattern like that, and especially if you feel afraid, couples therapy is not the right first step. You can talk to the Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or at thehotline.org.
When is it worth getting help?
Consider it if the shutdowns are frequent, if silences run for days, or if you have tried agreed time-outs and they keep collapsing. In couples counseling, a therapist can slow the cycle down in the room, help the quieter partner stay present, and help the other raise things in a way that is easier to hear. spiral2grow draws on several approaches for this, including the Gottman Method.
A first step
If silence has become the loudest thing in your relationship, a short conversation can help you decide what to do next. Moshe Ratson, LMFT, offers a free phone consultation, with sessions in Midtown Manhattan or Online by Video. To arrange one, contact spiral2grow.
Common questions
Not usually. Most stonewalling is a stress reaction: the person is overwhelmed and shuts down to cope, without intending harm. It becomes a serious concern when silence is used deliberately and repeatedly to punish, frighten or control a partner. Look at the wider pattern and whether you feel free and safe in the relationship.
The Gottman Institute suggests at least twenty minutes, because the body needs that long to calm down after becoming flooded. Agree on when you will return, and use the time to settle yourself instead of rehearsing the argument. A break with no return time tends to feel like abandonment to the other partner.
Avoid pleading, chasing or matching the silence. Say once, calmly, that you want to talk when your partner is ready and that the silence is painful for you. Then get on with your day. When things are calmer, agree together on how either of you can ask for space in future.
Often because they feel overwhelmed, criticized or unsure what to say, and silence feels safer than saying the wrong thing. It can also be a habit learned early in life. It rarely means they do not care. Raising one issue at a time, gently, and offering a short break can make it easier to stay engaged.
Sources
- The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, The Gottman Institute
- The Four Horsemen: Stonewalling, The Gottman Institute
- Gender and social structure in the demand/withdraw pattern of marital conflict (Christensen & Heavey, 1990), Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, via PubMed
- Ostracism (Williams, 2007), Annual Review of Psychology, via PubMed
- Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: behavior, physiology, and health (Gottman & Levenson, 1992), Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, via PubMed
- Understand Relationship Abuse, National Domestic Violence Hotline
This article is part of the Couples Counseling Guide. It is general information, not a substitute for care from a licensed professional who knows your situation.
This article is for general education. It is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis or treatment.
