Signs You Might Need Couples Therapy

The clearest signs you might need couples therapy are patterns, not single bad days: the same argument on repeat, growing distance, contempt or shutting down, broken trust, or a big change you cannot get through together. If you have tried to fix it yourselves and keep ending up in the same place, outside help is reasonable.

Is there a clear line for when a couple needs therapy?

No. There is no test that separates couples who need therapy from couples who do not. Every relationship has conflict, dry spells and stretches where you are not at your most generous with each other.

What matters is less the problem itself and more three things about it:

• It repeats. The same issue keeps coming back, whatever the starting topic.
• You are stuck. You have talked, tried, promised and tried again, and the result is the same.
• It is spreading. The tension is leaking into your sleep, your work, your parenting or how you feel about coming home.

The signs below are grouped by where they show up. One on its own is rarely alarming. Several together, lasting for months, are worth taking seriously.

What are the signs in how you argue?

• You have the same fight again and again. You could both recite it. Nothing gets resolved, and it just goes quiet until next time.
• Small things blow up fast. A comment about the dishes becomes a referendum on the whole relationship within minutes.
• Arguments turn personal. Complaints about a behavior become attacks on character: “you always,” “you never,” “what is wrong with you.”
• There is sarcasm, eye-rolling or mockery. Disrespect has replaced frustration.
• One of you shuts down. One person goes silent or leaves the room while the other pushes harder.
• You no longer make up. Fights end without repair, and each one adds to a pile.

Several of these match what the Gottman Institute calls the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. The Institute describes contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce in its research. In an early study behind this work, 73 married couples followed from 1983 to 1987, couples whose interactions carried more negativity than positivity showed more withdrawal and defensiveness and were at greater risk of separating. That was a small sample of married couples, so treat these habits as warning signs to act on, not as a verdict. The guide covers them in detail in the Four Horsemen of relationships.

What are the signs in how you connect and how you feel?

Not every struggling couple fights. Some of the most worrying signs are quiet ones.

• You feel like roommates. You run the household well and talk about logistics, and not much else.
• You have stopped sharing. Good news or a hard day goes to a friend or coworker first, or to no one.
• Affection and sex have faded, and neither of you is talking about it.
• You avoid time alone together. Work, screens, the kids or separate schedules fill the space.
• You are lonely in the relationship. You are in the same home and feel unseen.
• You have stopped arguing because you have stopped trying. Indifference can be a later stage than anger.

Many of these develop so gradually that couples miss them. The practice has written about the early warning signs many couples ignore, which is a useful companion to this list.

Signs in how you feel

Sometimes your own body and mood tell you before the relationship does.

• You feel dread or tension on the way home.
• You are walking on eggshells, editing what you say to avoid a reaction.
• You rehearse arguments in your head, or keep a running list of grievances.
• You fantasize about a life without your partner more than you want to admit.
• You are more irritable, anxious or low than usual, and it tracks with how things are at home.

There is research behind that last point. In a national sample of 2,677 married or cohabiting adults, people in discordant relationships reported more general distress, poorer perceived health and more impairment at work and with friends and family than people in relationships that were not discordant. Most of those links held even after accounting for mood, anxiety and substance use disorders. The study was a snapshot at one point in time, so it cannot show which came first.

What are the signs around trust and big life changes?

Some reasons for seeking help are events, not habits.

• An affair or other betrayal, whether physical, emotional or online.
• Secrets about money, such as hidden debt or spending.
• A decision you cannot make together: whether to have children, where to live, whose career comes first, how involved family should be.
• A transition that has knocked you off balance: a new baby, a job loss, illness, a move, retirement, or children leaving home.
• One of you is thinking about leaving, or the word “divorce” or “breakup” now comes up in arguments.

These are hard to work through alone because each of you is hurt and needs something from the other at the same moment.

Do you have to wait until things are bad?

No, and most couples do not wait as long as you may have heard. A widely repeated claim says the average couple waits six years before getting help. The researchers who tested it called that figure “widely cited but poorly supported.” In their own study of 270 people entering couples therapy, the average gap between the start of serious problems and starting therapy was 2.68 years, and the great majority started within two years.

Earlier is easier for a plain reason: there is less built-up resentment to clear before you can work on the actual issue. Couples also come in when nothing is wrong, before a wedding, a move or a baby, to build skills ahead of time.

If you are worried you have left it too long, read is it too late for couples therapy before you decide.

When is couples therapy not the right first step?

If you are afraid of your partner, if there is physical violence, threats, or control over your money, movements or contact with other people, joint sessions are not the place to start. Your safety comes first. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at 1-800-799-7233 or thehotline.org. If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

Other situations, such as an active addiction or an affair that is still going on, may call for a different starting point. The guide explains these in when couples therapy is not recommended.

What should you do if you recognize several of these signs?

Start small. You do not have to decide today whether you “need” therapy.

1. Get specific. Work through the 12-question couples therapy self-check to see which areas stand out and how long they have been going on.
2. Tell your partner what you have noticed, as an observation about the two of you and not a list of their faults.
3. Talk to a therapist before you commit. A short call can tell you whether couples counseling fits your situation or whether something else would serve you better.

It is worth making that call when the pattern has lasted more than a few months, when your own attempts have not changed it, or when either of you has started to wonder whether the relationship will last.

A conversation costs nothing

Moshe Ratson, LMFT, offers a free phone consultation to talk through what you are seeing and what might help, with sessions in Midtown Manhattan or Online by Video. When you are ready, contact spiral2grow to arrange a call.

Common questions

Sources

• The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, The Gottman Institute
• Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: behavior, physiology, and health (Gottman & Levenson, 1992), Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, via PubMed
• Impairment and distress associated with relationship discord in a national sample of married or cohabiting adults (Whisman & Uebelacker, 2006), Journal of Family Psychology, via PubMed
• How long do people wait before seeking couples therapy? A research note (Doherty, Harris, Hall & Hubbard, 2021), Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, via PubMed

This article is part of the Couples Counseling Guide. It is general information, not a substitute for care from a licensed professional who knows your situation.

This article is for general education. It is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis or treatment.