Is It Time for Couples Therapy? A 12-Question Self-Check
This 12-question self-check helps you look honestly at how you and your partner handle conflict, closeness, trust and daily life. It is a plain reflective checklist, not a validated screening test, and it does not produce a score or a diagnosis. Use your answers to decide whether talking with a couples therapist is a sensible next step.
How should you use this self-check?
Read each question and answer “often,” “sometimes” or “rarely” for the last three months. Go with your first honest reaction. If your partner is willing, answer separately and then compare. Where your answers differ is often the most useful part.
A few things to know before you start:
- This is not a clinical instrument. It has not been tested or validated in research. It is a set of prompts based on the concerns couples commonly bring to therapy.
- There is no score. No number of “often” answers means your relationship is healthy or failing.
- It cannot diagnose anything, about you, your partner or the relationship.
First, a safety note
If you feel afraid of your partner, this checklist is not for your situation. Fear of how your partner will react, physical violence, threats, being pressured into sex, or having your money, phone, movements or friendships controlled are not communication problems, and couples therapy is not the right first step.
Talk to someone confidentially on your own. The National Domestic Violence Hotline lists warning signs of abuse and is available 24 hours a day at 1-800-799-7233, by texting START to 88788, or by chat at thehotline.org. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. If you are having thoughts of suicide or self-harm, call or text 988.
The 12 questions
Questions 1 to 4 are about how you handle conflict. Questions 5 to 8 are about how close you feel. Questions 9 to 12 are about trust, decisions and effort.
- Do the same arguments keep coming back without being resolved? The topic may change, but the fight feels familiar.
- When you disagree, does it turn quickly into criticism, sarcasm or defensiveness? You end up arguing about how you argue.
- Does one of you push to talk while the other shuts down or leaves the room?
- After a fight, do you have trouble making up? Tension lingers for days, or you move on without ever settling anything.
- Do you feel more like roommates or co-managers of a household than partners?
- Do you hold back from telling your partner what you really think or feel, because it does not seem worth the reaction?
- Has affection or sex faded in a way that bothers at least one of you?
- Do you feel lonely even when you are together?
- Is there a breach of trust that still hangs over you? An affair, a secret about money, or a broken promise that never fully healed.
- Are you avoiding an important topic or decision? Money, children, family, where to live, or whether to marry.
- Has either of you seriously thought about separating, or threatened it during arguments?
- Have you tried to fix things yourselves and found the change does not last?
How do you read your answers?
Look for patterns, not totals.
One “often” can be enough. If a single question describes something that is wearing you down, such as a trust injury you cannot get past or a partner who has started to talk about leaving, that is reason enough to seek help, even if everything else is fine.
Several “often” answers in one group point to where to start. A cluster in the conflict group suggests the way you fight is the problem, more than what you fight about. A cluster in the closeness group suggests you have drifted and stopped reaching for each other. A cluster in the third group suggests there is a specific injury or decision that needs direct attention.
Mostly “sometimes” is normal life. Every couple has repeat arguments, dry spells and avoided topics. The question is whether these are getting more frequent, and whether you can recover from them on your own.
Different answers from your partner are information. If you answered “often” to feeling lonely and your partner answered “rarely,” you have just found a conversation worth having.
Many “often” answers do not mean a relationship is doomed, and few do not mean it is fine. A checklist cannot measure goodwill, history or how willing each of you is to change.
What do these patterns usually mean?
Repeating arguments (question 1) usually mean the surface topic is standing in for something underneath, such as feeling unimportant or unheard. The practice blog explains this in why couples keep having the same argument.
A push and shut-down pattern (question 3) is one of the most studied dynamics in couples research. Each partner’s reaction sets off the other’s. See the pursuer-distancer pattern for how it works and how couples get out of it.
If question 11 is the one that stood out, and one of you is far less sure about staying than the other, ordinary couples therapy may not be the right starting point. Discernment counseling is a short process designed for that situation.
Why do couples put off getting help?
Because it is easy to. There is always a busier week, a holiday to get through, or hope that things will settle on their own.
Researchers have looked at this delay. In a study of 147 married couples who were in the process of seeking therapy, the authors described a general reluctance among couples to seek help until problems become severe. They identified three separate steps: recognizing there is a problem, considering treatment, and actually seeking it. On average, wives completed each step before their husbands did.
The study has limits. It was published in 2003, it included only married different-sex couples, and everyone in it had already decided to look for therapy, so it says nothing about couples who never do. Still, the three steps are a useful way to locate yourself. If you are taking this self-check, you are probably at step one or two. Your partner may not be there yet, and that gap is common, not a sign of indifference.
When is it time to take the step?
Consider contacting a couples therapist if any of these are true:
- You answered “often” to something that has been going on for months.
- Your answers are getting worse over time, not better.
- You have tried to change the pattern yourselves and it keeps coming back.
- There has been a breach of trust you cannot discuss calmly.
- One of you is quietly giving up.
You do not need your partner’s full agreement to begin. Start by sharing what you noticed, without presenting the checklist as evidence against them. “I answered some questions about us and a few worried me. Can I tell you which ones?” tends to go better than “This says we need therapy.” If your partner is reluctant, read what to do when your partner refuses couples therapy.
The next step can be small. A short call lets you describe your situation and ask how couples counseling would address it before you commit to a session. Here is what happens on a free phone consultation.
Talk it over with a therapist
If your answers raised questions you would like to discuss, you can request a free phone consultation with Moshe Ratson, LMFT. Sessions are held in Midtown Manhattan, near Grand Central Station, or Online by Video. The call is a chance to ask questions and decide whether you want to book.
Common questions
No quiz can tell you that. Researchers use validated questionnaires to measure relationship satisfaction, but those are tools for studies and clinicians, not verdicts. A checklist like this one is a way to organize your thinking. The decision to seek help rests on how distressed you are and whether you can change things alone.
Yes. Many people work through it alone first. Your answers show how the relationship feels from your side, which is real information even if your partner sees things differently. If you later share it, describe your own experience instead of using the questions to prove a point.
Choose a calm moment, not the middle of an argument. Say what you noticed and what you want, such as feeling closer or fighting less, instead of listing what your partner does wrong. Suggest one low-pressure step, like a free phone consultation, and give your partner time to think.
No. Couples seek therapy for many reasons, including a rough transition, a repeating argument or wanting to feel closer again. Asking for help says nothing final about the relationship. It usually means at least one of you cares enough to try something different before more damage is done.
Sources
- Warning Signs of Abuse, National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Who’s dragging their feet? Husbands and wives seeking marital therapy (Doss, Atkins & Christensen, 2003), Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, PubMed, National Library of Medicine
This article is part of the Couples Counseling Guide. It is general information, not a substitute for care from a licensed professional who knows your situation.
This article is for general education. It is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis or treatment.
