Falling Out of Love: Is It Over, or Is Something Else Going On?
Falling out of love often means the intense early stage has faded, not that the relationship is finished. Research shows passionate love usually softens over time, while long-term love can stay strong. Depression, stress and slow drift can also mute feelings. Before deciding it is over, it helps to look at what else is going on.
Is it normal to fall out of love?
It is very common for the intense, all-consuming feeling of early love to fade, and that alone does not mean the relationship is over. Researchers distinguish between two kinds of love. A 2021 review of research on romantic love in Frontiers in Psychology contrasts romantic love with companionate love, which is felt less intensely, often follows a period of romantic love, and combines intimacy and commitment. The authors describe a general pattern in which romantic love decreases the longer a relationship lasts, and note that it usually gives way to a breakup or to companionate love.
Relationship satisfaction follows a similar curve for many couples. In a study that followed 464 newlywed spouses over four years, satisfaction started high and declined for the average spouse. But the average hid real differences: the researchers found five distinct patterns, including groups whose satisfaction stayed high with no decline. Stress, aggression and communication early in the marriage helped predict which path people followed.
So the fading of early intensity is expected. What matters is what replaces it, and whether something else is draining the relationship.
Limerence vs long-term love
The early, obsessive stage of being in love has a name in some of the research literature. The 2021 review notes that seminal work by Dorothy Tennov in 1979 called it “limerence.” Tennov estimated that reciprocated romantic love of this kind typically lasts between 18 months and three years. That is an estimate, not a precise measurement.
Brain imaging studies help explain why that stage feels so powerful. In a 2005 study of 17 people who had been intensely in love for 1 to 17 months, looking at a photo of their beloved activated dopamine-rich reward and motivation areas of the brain. It is a strong pull, and it is not designed to last at full volume.
Long-term love can still be intense, though. In a 2012 study of long-term intense romantic love, 17 people married for an average of about 21 years viewed photos of their partner. Viewing their partner’s photo activated similar reward areas, along with regions linked to attachment and bonding. The authors concluded that for some people, the reward value of a long-term partner can be sustained. The review adds that when romantic love lasts beyond the first few years, the obsessive thinking usually drops away. Both studies are small, so treat them as evidence that lasting love is possible, not as a measure of how often it happens.
In other words, feeling less swept away is not the same as falling out of love. Many people mistake the end of limerence for the end of the relationship.
Could it be depression or stress?
Sometimes “I don’t feel anything for my partner anymore” is not really about the partner. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression include loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities, irritability or frustration, fatigue and a persistent sad, anxious or “empty” mood. When those symptoms are present most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks, depression is a real possibility. Loss of interest does not neatly skip the relationship. NIMH also notes that most people with depression benefit from mental health treatment.
Stress can do something similar. In diary studies of newlywed couples, people under more stress outside the relationship, such as at work, judged their whole relationship more by the ups and downs of each day. A bad evening counted for more. Over months of pressure, that can feel like the love has gone, when the deeper problem is exhaustion.
If you notice these signs in yourself, it is worth getting checked by a doctor or a mental health professional before making big decisions about the relationship. If you have thoughts of harming yourself, call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If the low mood is your partner’s, the guide to when your partner has depression or anxiety may help.
The roommate feeling
Many couples describe a slow drift rather than a sudden loss. You run the household well together, talk mostly about logistics, and rarely have a conversation that feels personal. Nobody did anything terrible, but the relationship feels flat. The post on why couples grow apart and how they can reconnect looks at how this happens.
Novelty is one lever couples can pull. In a series of studies, couples who reported more shared “exciting” activities were more satisfied, partly because they were less bored. In the lab, couples who did a short novel and arousing task together reported a bigger lift in relationship quality than couples who did a routine task. The authors linked this to the typical decline in relationship quality after the honeymoon period. It does not mean a weekend away will fix a deep problem, but it suggests that boredom is part of what dulls feeling, and that it is changeable.
Signs something more is going on
Fading intensity is normal. These patterns are worth taking more seriously:
- You feel contempt, not just indifference, when your partner talks.
- You avoid being home, or feel relief when your partner is away, most of the time.
- Resentment from an old hurt, such as an affair or a betrayal, never got resolved.
- You have started to picture, or pursue, a life with someone else.
- One of you has stopped trying, and both of you know it.
None of these means the relationship must end. They do mean that waiting for the feeling to come back on its own is unlikely to work.
What can you do if you feel you have fallen out of love?
- Look at the rest of your life first. Sleep, work stress, health, grief and mood all affect how you feel about the person closest to you.
- Separate the feeling from the decision. Feeling distant is information. It is not a verdict, and it does not have to be acted on this week.
- Try small, deliberate changes. New shared experiences, a regular conversation that is not about logistics, and noticing what your partner does well can all shift how you feel over time.
- Be honest, without making it a bomb. “I’ve been feeling far away from us, and I want to understand why” opens a conversation. “I don’t love you anymore” usually closes one.
When is it worth getting professional help?
If the distance has lasted a long time, you keep thinking about leaving, or talking about it turns into the same fight every time, an outside view can help. Couples counseling works on the patterns that create distance, and individual therapy can help if you need to sort out your own feelings first. If one of you is already leaning out, read this to see if it’s too late for couples therapy before deciding.
Talking it through
If you are not sure whether this is a phase or a real ending, you can request a free phone consultation with Moshe Ratson, LMFT, MBA, and talk it over. Sessions are available in Midtown Manhattan or Online by Video, for couples or for one partner on their own.
Common questions
Many people do, especially when the distance came from stress, routine or unresolved hurt rather than from deep incompatibility. Feelings often follow changes in behavior: more time together that is not about chores, new shared experiences, and repairing old injuries. It usually takes effort from both partners over months rather than a single conversation.
Boredom usually shows up as flatness or restlessness, and it often lifts when something new happens together. Not being in love tends to feel more like indifference or wanting to be away from your partner most of the time. Low mood, stress and exhaustion can blur the two, so it helps to look at the rest of your life as well.
There is no precise answer. Dorothy Tennov, whose 1979 work described this stage as limerence, estimated that reciprocated early romantic love typically lasts between 18 months and three years. Research also shows that satisfaction declines on average after marriage, but some couples follow patterns with little or no decline, so the average does not predict any one relationship.
Honesty matters, but how you say it matters too. Describing what you feel, such as distance or numbness, and that you want to understand it, gives the relationship a chance. A flat announcement that the love is gone often ends the conversation. Some people talk it through with a therapist first to get clear about what they feel.
Sources
- Proximate and Ultimate Perspectives on Romantic Love (Bode & Kushnick, 2021), Frontiers in Psychology, PubMed Central, National Library of Medicine
- Patterns of Change in Marital Satisfaction Over the Newlywed Years (Lavner & Bradbury, 2010), Journal of Marriage and Family, PubMed, National Library of Medicine
- Reward, motivation, and emotion systems associated with early-stage intense romantic love (Aron et al., 2005), Journal of Neurophysiology, PubMed, National Library of Medicine
- Neural correlates of long-term intense romantic love (Acevedo et al., 2012), Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, PubMed, National Library of Medicine
- Depression, National Institute of Mental Health
- Stress and reactivity to daily relationship experiences (Neff & Karney, 2009), Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, PubMed, National Library of Medicine
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality (Aron et al., 2000), Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, PubMed, National Library of Medicine
This article is part of the Couples Counseling Guide. It is general information, not a substitute for care from a licensed professional who knows your situation.
This article is for general education. It is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis or treatment.
