When Your Partner Has Depression or Anxiety
When your partner has depression or anxiety, the relationship feels it too. You may see withdrawal, irritability, less affection or a constant need for reassurance. You can support them by listening, encouraging professional care and keeping daily life steady. You cannot treat it for them, and your own wellbeing has to stay on the list.
How common are depression and anxiety?
Very. The National Institute of Mental Health reports that an estimated 21.0 million U.S. adults, 8.3% of all adults, had at least one major depressive episode in 2021, with higher rates among women (10.3%) than men (6.2%). For anxiety, NIMH cites an estimate that 19.1% of U.S. adults had an anxiety disorder in the past year. That figure comes from an older national survey conducted in 2001 to 2003, so read it as a general guide.
With numbers like these, many couples will go through a stretch where one partner, or both, is struggling. It is not a sign that you chose badly or that the relationship is broken.
How do depression and anxiety show up in a relationship?
From the inside of a relationship, these conditions often do not look like the textbook version. NIMH’s list of common depression symptoms includes irritability and frustration, loss of interest or pleasure in activities, fatigue, trouble concentrating and making decisions, and changes in sleep, alongside persistent sadness or an “empty” mood. For a diagnosis, symptoms are present most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks.
At home, that can look like:
- A partner who snaps over small things, or goes flat and quiet
- Less interest in sex, affection, friends or plans you used to enjoy together
- Chores, bills and decisions sliding onto you
- Sleeping much more, or lying awake
- Comments like “you’d be better off without me” or “I’m a burden”
Anxiety has its own signature in a couple:
- Repeated requests for reassurance that never quite settle the worry
- Avoiding places, people or tasks, so your shared life gets smaller
- Needing plans to go a certain way, and distress when they change
- Tension, restlessness or irritability that reads as anger at you
It is easy to take all of this personally. “They don’t want to be with me” is a natural conclusion when your partner pulls away. Often it is the condition talking, not their feelings about you.
What is it like to be the partner?
Hard, and your experience counts. You may be doing more of the practical work while getting less warmth back. You may be watching what you say. You may feel lonely, then guilty for feeling lonely when they are the one who is unwell.
Research backs this up. In a study of 79 couples in which one spouse was in treatment for depression, the other spouses reported significantly more depressed mood than general population norms, along with numerous specific burdens. The researchers argued that care should pay attention to the partner’s distress as well as the depressed person’s recovery. It was a small study of married couples already in treatment, but the message holds: supporting a partner takes a toll, and noticing that is not selfish.
Some of the strain overlaps with what the guide describes in chronic illness and marriage, where one partner slides into a caregiver role.
Is it the relationship, or is it the depression?
Often it is both, and they feed each other. Low mood makes a person withdraw, which creates distance and conflict. Distance and conflict make low mood worse.
In a national survey analysis of 2,538 married adults, marital dissatisfaction was associated with having a mood disorder and with having an anxiety disorder. The survey captured one point in time, so it cannot say which came first.
That is why “who started it” is rarely a useful question. A better one is: what is each of you doing now that keeps the loop going, and what could each of you do differently?
How can you support your partner without becoming their therapist?
NIMH’s guidance for helping someone with depression is simple: help them see a health care provider or mental health professional, and offer support, understanding, patience and encouragement. It also suggests inviting them out for walks and other activities, and reminding them that with time and treatment, depression can lift.
What tends to help
- Listen before you fix. “That sounds exhausting” does more than a list of solutions.
- Ask what helps. When they are having a better day, ask what they want from you on the bad ones.
- Encourage professional care, and offer practical help with getting there, such as finding names or sorting out the schedule.
- Keep small routines going. A walk, a meal together, a regular bedtime. Low-pressure invitations, not demands.
- Notice effort. Getting up, showing up or making the call can cost a lot.
What tends to backfire
- “Just think positive” or “you have nothing to be sad about”
- Taking over everything, so your partner feels less capable
- Giving endless reassurance to anxious questions, which soothes for a moment and then feeds the next round
- Monitoring their treatment or giving advice about medication. That belongs with their own clinician.
- Hiding your own feelings until they come out as resentment
Keep yourself on the list
See your friends. Keep the things that restore you. Say what you need, kindly and clearly: “I want to support you, and I also need us to find a way to share the evenings.” Consider your own therapist. A limit is not abandonment.
Can couples therapy help when one partner is depressed or anxious?
It can help with the relationship side, and there is some evidence it helps with depression too. A Cochrane review of 14 studies with 651 participants found no evidence of a difference between couple therapy and individual psychotherapy in reducing depressive symptoms, and found that couple therapy appeared more effective at reducing relationship distress, particularly in couples who were distressed to begin with.
The limits are important. The reviewers rated the evidence low or very low quality and said firm conclusions could not be drawn. Participants had moderate depression on average, so the results do not extend to severe depression, and most were white and from Europe, North America or Israel. The review did not cover anxiety.
In plain terms: couples counseling is not a substitute for your partner’s own care. It can sit alongside it, giving you both a place to talk about what the condition is doing to the two of you. The guide compares the formats in couples therapy vs. individual therapy, and spiral2grow also offers individual work for depression and for anxiety and stress.
When should you get help right away?
If your partner talks about wanting to die, about being a burden, or about having no reason to live, take it seriously. NIMH advises calling or texting the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988, or chatting at 988lifeline.org, and calling 911 in a life-threatening situation. You can contact 988 yourself if you are worried about someone else.
Short of a crisis, it is worth reaching out to a professional when symptoms have lasted more than a couple of weeks, when your partner is not getting any care, or when you notice your own mood, sleep or patience wearing down.
You do not have to carry this alone
Moshe Ratson, LMFT, offers a free phone consultation to talk through what is happening and what kind of support would fit, with sessions in Midtown Manhattan or Online by Video. To set up a call, contact spiral2grow.
Common questions
Offer steady support and encourage professional care, but keep your own life running: friends, sleep, exercise and things you enjoy. Say what you need in clear, kind terms. Think about seeing a therapist yourself. You are a partner, not a treatment provider, and looking after yourself makes your support more sustainable.
Depression can flatten feelings in general, including affection, desire and interest in things a person usually values. From the outside this can look like falling out of love. It is wise not to make big relationship decisions in the middle of an episode. As mood improves, many people find their feelings return.
Some reassurance is kind and normal. If the same question comes back again and again, constant reassurance may be feeding the worry instead of easing it. You might acknowledge the feeling, express confidence in them, and gently hold back from answering the tenth time. Their own therapist can guide what is helpful.
You cannot force an adult into treatment. You can say what you have noticed, how it affects you both, and offer practical help such as finding a provider or going along to a first visit. You can also get support for yourself. If there is any talk of suicide, contact 988 right away.
Sources
- Major Depression (statistics), National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)
- Any Anxiety Disorder (statistics), National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)
- Depression, National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)
- Living with a depressed spouse (Benazon & Coyne, 2000), Journal of Family Psychology, via PubMed
- Marital dissatisfaction and psychiatric disorders: results from the National Comorbidity Survey (Whisman, 1999), Journal of Abnormal Psychology, via PubMed
- Couple therapy for depression (Barbato, D’Avanzo & Parabiaghi, 2018), Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews, via PubMed
This article is part of the Couples Counseling Guide. It is general information, not a substitute for care from a licensed professional who knows your situation.
This article is for general education. It is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis or treatment.
