Codependency in Relationships: Signs and First Steps
Codependency describes a pattern in which one partner’s sense of worth and calm depends on taking care of, fixing or pleasing the other, at the cost of their own needs. It is a widely used term and a debated one. The first steps are noticing the pattern and making small moves back toward your own life.
What does codependency mean?
In everyday use, codependency means organizing your life around another person’s moods, problems or approval. You feel responsible for how they feel. You step in to rescue, cover or smooth things over. Your own needs slip so far down the list that you may struggle to name them.
The idea came out of addiction treatment. A review in the nursing literature notes that the term was first developed in the substance abuse field, referring specifically to the wives of men who abused alcohol, and has since been stretched to describe a general style of relating. Mental Health America similarly describes it as a pattern first identified in families affected by alcohol dependence that is now applied much more broadly.
Today people use the word for relationships with no addiction in them at all: a partner who cannot make a decision without the other’s approval, or one who gives up friends, interests and opinions to keep the peace.
Is codependency a diagnosis?
It is better understood as a description than a diagnosis. In the 1980s there was a proposal to add codependency to the psychiatric diagnostic manual as a personality disorder, and a 1991 article was already asking the field to define the term properly. Researchers are still asking. A 2018 study called codependency a complex and debatable concept and described the research evidence about it as inconclusive.
There are fair criticisms of the label too. As early as 1990, a critique argued that the concept promoted a view of wives of chemically dependent husbands as disturbed and questioned treating what it called an unverified diagnostic entity. It is also worth remembering that in many families and cultures, putting others first is a value and not a symptom.
So use the word lightly. If it helps you see a pattern that is hurting you, it has done its job. If it makes you feel defective, set it aside and look at the pattern itself.
What are common signs of a codependent pattern?
None of these is a test, and most people will recognize one or two from time to time. The pattern is worth attention when several are true most of the time.
- Your mood rises and falls with your partner’s mood.
- You say yes when you mean no, then feel resentful.
- You feel guilty or anxious when you do something just for yourself.
- You make excuses for your partner’s behavior to family, friends or their employer.
- You take on their responsibilities so they do not face the consequences.
- You have trouble saying what you want, or even knowing it.
- Your friendships and interests have faded since the relationship began.
- You stay busy managing their problems and feel lost when there is nothing to fix.
- The thought of them being upset with you feels unbearable.
In the 2018 study mentioned above, eight people in the UK who identified as codependent and attended support groups described three linked experiences: lacking a clear sense of self, a lasting pattern of emotional and relational imbalance, and tracing their difficulties to abandonment or control in childhood. Eight people is a very small group, and all of them had already adopted the label, so this tells us how the pattern can feel from the inside, not how common it is.
How is codependency different from healthy closeness?
Depending on your partner is not the problem. Leaning on each other is what couples are for. The difference lies in whether the dependence runs both ways and leaves room for two separate people.
| Healthy interdependence | Codependent pattern |
|---|---|
| Support flows in both directions over time | One person does most of the giving |
| You can disagree and still feel secure | Disagreement feels like a threat to the relationship |
| Each of you keeps friends, interests and opinions | One person’s world shrinks to fit the other’s |
| You help because you choose to | You help because you fear what happens if you do not |
| Each person owns their own feelings and choices | One person feels responsible for the other’s feelings and choices |
Codependent patterns often show up alongside a pursue-and-withdraw cycle, in which one partner chases closeness and the other pulls back. The article on the pursuer-distancer pattern explains that cycle.
Where does the pattern come from?
There is no single cause, and the research is thin. People who recognize the pattern often describe growing up in a home where a parent’s drinking, illness, anger or absence meant a child learned to watch the adults closely and keep things calm. Looking after others became the way to feel safe and valued.
The pattern can also develop in adulthood. When a partner has a serious illness, depression, or an addiction, the other partner can slide from supporting into over-functioning without noticing. If that is your situation, the articles on when your partner has depression or anxiety and chronic illness and caregiving in marriage speak to it directly.
What are the first steps you can take?
Change here is gradual. You are building a habit of including yourself, not withdrawing your love.
- Notice before you act. When you feel the pull to fix, rescue or smooth over, pause. Ask what you are feeling and what you are afraid will happen if you do nothing.
- Ask “whose is this?” Your partner’s mood, their deadline, their relationship with their boss, their recovery. You can care about these without owning them.
- Practice one small no. Choose something low-stakes. Notice that the discomfort passes and the relationship survives.
- Rebuild one thing that is yours. A friendship, a class, a weekly walk. Put it on the calendar and keep it.
- State a preference every day. What to eat, what to watch, when to leave. Small preferences rebuild the muscle for larger ones.
- Let consequences land. If you have been covering for a partner’s drinking, lateness or spending, stopping is not cruelty. It returns the problem to the person who can solve it.
- Tell your partner what you are doing. “I have noticed I take over a lot. I am going to try to stop, and it might feel different for both of us.”
Boundaries are the core skill. This post on healthy boundaries in relationships goes deeper.
When is it worth getting professional help?
If you have tried to change the pattern and keep sliding back, or if the resentment and exhaustion are growing, it is worth talking to a therapist. Individual therapy can help you rebuild a sense of your own needs. Couples therapy helps when both of you want a more balanced relationship, because the pattern takes two people to maintain and two to change. You can read about couples counseling at spiral2grow to see how that work is approached.
When it is more than codependency
Sometimes a person is told they are codependent when the real problem is that their partner is controlling or abusive. If you are afraid of your partner, if they monitor you, control the money, or keep you from family and friends, your anxiety about their reactions is not a personal flaw. The National Domestic Violence Hotline lists these among the warning signs of abuse. Couples therapy is not the right first step in that situation. Call 1-800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org to talk with an advocate.
A conversation to start with
If you recognize yourself here and want to talk it through, you can request a free phone consultation with Moshe Ratson, LMFT, who sees individuals and couples in Midtown Manhattan and Online by Video. Contact spiral2grow to set up a call.
Common questions
Often it can, when both partners want that. The pattern usually shifts as the over-giving partner starts stating needs and setting limits, and the other partner takes on more responsibility for their own feelings and choices. It tends to feel uncomfortable at first for both people. Outside support, individual or as a couple, makes the change easier to sustain.
Caring becomes a problem when it is driven by fear instead of choice, when it only flows one way, and when it costs you your own needs, friends and opinions. A useful question is whether you could say no without overwhelming guilt or fear. If you regularly cannot, the pattern is worth a closer look.
No. The term began in addiction treatment, describing partners and family members of people with alcohol problems. It is now used for any relationship in which one person consistently sacrifices their own needs to manage the other. Addiction can be part of the picture, but many people who relate to the term have no addiction in the relationship.
Not necessarily. Many couples change the pattern together. Leaving becomes a more serious question if your partner refuses any change, or if there is abuse, control or fear. If you are afraid of your partner, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 before making any decision about couples counseling.
Sources
- Is codependency a meaningful concept? (Stafford, 2001), Issues in Mental Health Nursing, via PubMed
- Co-Dependency, Mental Health America
- What is codependency? (Morgan, 1991), Journal of Clinical Psychology, via PubMed
- The Lived Experience of Codependency: an Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis (Bacon, McKay, Reynolds & McIntyre, 2018), International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction
- Codependency: a critique (Harper & Capdevila, 1990), Journal of Psychoactive Drugs, via PubMed
- Domestic Abuse Warning Signs, National Domestic Violence Hotline
This article is part of the Couples Counseling Guide. It is general information, not a substitute for care from a licensed professional who knows your situation.
This article is for general education. It is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis or treatment.
