There is always a particular type of people with some common traits and characteristics that we find ourselves attracted to, whether it is the ambitious and intelligent type or the humorous and outgoing type. But have you ever wondered about the reason behind this? Does this happen consciously or unconsciously?
Although attraction, love, and pheromones have a lot to do with this selection, there is one another factor that forces us to choose partners with certain qualities. This is called our love map. It was created when we were born and comprises of information that we might not be aware of, but plays a major role in helping us decide our romantic interests.
Below we have mentioned things that are present in our love map that shape our choices and preferences. This information also provide us with an insight on getting over a divorce or a breakup, and why we react the way we do in a romantic relationship.
Nature and Nurture
Where nature is about the traits that are present in our genes, nurture is all about how we were brought up. Both of these factors have the power to influence our personality. According to our love map, there are three interrelated components that shape the personality of an individual. These are known as biopsychosocial perspective, which comprises of socialization, biology, and psychology.
To ensure that a proper emotional and social development takes place in an individual, there is a need of a secure relationship with at least one of the parent. This helps individual to develop strong socially and emotionally maturity. The lack of such attachment can have an impact on self-confidence and self-esteem which will negatively impact the selection of their partner in intimate relationship.
The attachment theory by John Bowlby put forward three attachment styles; assured attachment, avoidant attachment, and ambivalent attachment. Depending on these attachment styles, you will get insights on why you breakup the way you do, why do you keep getting back with the person from the past again and again, or why you deal with relationship problems a certain way. For example, some people tend to shut the other person out completely when they are faced with trouble in their romantic lives, while others prefer confrontation and communication. Understanding yourself will help you in finding reasons behind your actions, and fill the gap in your love map.
New Attachment Figures
When you grow up and enter the social world, you interact with people other than your caregivers, and make friends and other relationships. However, you tend to make friends with people who share common traits with your caregiver. So, if you had an avoidant or ambivalent attachment with your caregivers, you will look for partners with similar traits no matter how unfavorable they were, to fill the emotional gap inside of you. This way, you are forcing yourself via repetitive compulsion, into situations where you will face the similar psychological challenge again.
Individuals who put up with repetitive compulsion are already facing some serious childhood abandonment issues. The event of a breakup with the romantic partner in a situation like this will make them feel double abandonment. This includes two types of abandonment; one is linked to your past unresolved attachment style with the caregiver, and other is the present breakup from the romantic partner.
This is an emotional trauma known as abandonment depression, which has the power to leave its imprint on an individual’s emotions and psychology forever, and will lead to maladaptive behavior in situations of loss, disconnection and rejection.
Addressing the Abandonment and Repetition
Once you are able to understand your past, your needs that were unfulfilled in childhood, and the type of people you have been with currently, you will get one step closer to healing your old and new wounds and recover from the breakup or divorce. Clearly, another important aspect to have the courage to face your abandonment fears and act in a way that is conducive to your psychological well being.
To understand the motivation behind your behaviors and building healthy intimacy, knowing your love map is imperative. Moreover, in addition to your love mapping, you will be able to perform the love mapping of your partner as well to find the underlying cause behind their behaviors. This helps in increasing the quality of the relationship as well as your emotional intelligence. You may discover a few things about yourself through love mapping which may be shocking, but will help you in forming healthier relationships in the future.