Couples Therapy vs. Individual Therapy: Which Do You Need?
Choose couples therapy when the main problem lives between you: repeating arguments, distance, broken trust or a decision about your future. Choose individual therapy when the main problem is yours to work on, such as depression, anxiety, trauma or anger, or when you do not feel safe with your partner. Many people use both.
What is the real difference between couples therapy and individual therapy?
The difference is who, or what, the therapy is for. In individual therapy, you are the client. The work centers on your thoughts, feelings, history and choices, and the therapist is on your side of the story because yours is the only side in the room.
In couples therapy, the relationship is the client. The therapist watches how the two of you talk, argue, withdraw and repair, and helps you change that pattern together. New York’s licensing rules describe this relational focus directly: the state defines marriage and family therapy as using psychotherapy to evaluate and treat marital, relational, and family systems, and individuals in relationship to these systems.
| Couples therapy | Individual therapy | |
|---|---|---|
| Who attends | Both partners, together | One person |
| Main focus | The pattern between you | Your inner life and your own behavior |
| What the therapist sees | Your interaction as it happens | Your account of what happens |
| Typical goals | Communication, conflict, trust, intimacy, decisions about the future | Mood, anxiety, trauma, self-understanding, personal change |
Neither format is the stronger one. They answer different questions.
When does couples therapy make more sense?
Couples therapy is usually the better fit when the trouble shows up between you and both of you are willing to work on it. Common examples:
- You keep having the same argument and it ends the same way.
- One of you pursues and the other shuts down.
- Trust has been damaged by an affair, a lie or a money secret.
- Sex, affection or simple friendliness has faded.
- You face a shared decision, such as moving in, marrying, having children or separating.
A recent research review describes couple therapy as the widely accepted method for reducing relationship distress. The reason is practical. A pattern that takes two people to create is easier to change when both people are in the room and a third person can slow it down.
When is individual therapy the better starting point?
Start with individual therapy when the main issue belongs to one person, or when being in a room together is not safe or not possible. For example:
- You are dealing with depression, anxiety, grief, trauma or a pattern that has followed you through several relationships.
- You want to sort out your own feelings about the relationship before you say them to your partner.
- Anger is the central problem for one of you. Focused work such as anger management counseling is often the first step.
- Your partner will not come. You can still make changes on your own side, and the article on what to do when your partner refuses couples therapy covers your options.
Safety comes first. If you are afraid of your partner, or there is violence, threats or controlling behavior, couples therapy is not the right first step, because speaking honestly in a joint session can put you at risk. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and get individual support. If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. The article on when couples therapy is not recommended explains these situations in more detail.
Can individual therapy fix a relationship problem?
It can help you, and that often helps the relationship. It has real limits as a way to change the relationship itself.
Two family therapy scholars, Alan Gurman and Mark Burton, examined what happens when people bring couple problems to individual therapy. They named five areas of concern: the structural limits on what one person can change alone, the therapist drifting into taking sides, assessments built on one partner’s report, loss of focus, and ethical questions about the partner who is not there. Their paper is a clinical analysis, not an outcome study. The authors themselves said the topic had been largely neglected in research.
The practical lesson is simple. If you are in individual therapy mainly to talk about your relationship, tell your therapist that the relationship is the goal, and ask whether joint sessions or a referral to a couples therapist would serve you better. A good individual therapist will hold some humility about a partner they have never met.
What if one of you is depressed or anxious?
Individual struggles and relationship struggles feed each other. Constant conflict wears down mood, and low mood makes conflict harder to handle. So the choice is not always obvious.
A 2018 Cochrane review pooled 14 trials with 651 participants comparing couple therapy with individual psychotherapy for depression. It found no evidence of a difference between the two in depressive symptoms at the end of treatment, and couple therapy appeared more effective at reducing relationship distress. The reviewers rated the evidence as low or very low quality, and the trials mostly involved white, middle-aged participants with moderate depression. They cautioned against firm conclusions.
What this means for you: when depression and relationship distress sit together, couples work is a reasonable option to discuss with a clinician, not a lesser choice. It is not a replacement for individual or medical care that one of you needs. If this is your situation, see the related guide on when your partner has depression or anxiety.
Can you do both at the same time?
Yes, and many people do. One partner, or both, may see an individual therapist while you attend couples sessions together. A few points make this go more smoothly:
- Know who each therapist works for. Your individual therapist works for you. Your couples therapist works for the relationship and should not act as one partner’s ally.
- Ask about secrets. If a couples therapist also meets with each of you alone, ask in advance how private information from those meetings is handled.
- Keep the goals separate. Use individual sessions for your own work, not to rehearse a case against your partner.
- Consider letting the therapists talk. With your written permission, they can coordinate so the two pieces of work do not pull against each other.
Some couples also move in sequence. They begin together, discover that one partner needs individual help with trauma or a mood problem, and return to joint work later.
When is it worth getting professional help?
Consider reaching out when the same problem has lasted for months, when your own efforts keep ending in the same place, or when either of you has started to think about leaving. You do not have to pick the right format before you call. That choice is part of what a first conversation is for.
At spiral2grow, Moshe Ratson, LMFT, works with both couples and individuals, and the practice’s FAQ says you can start on your own if your partner will not take part. You can read more about how couples counseling at spiral2grow works. If one of you is undecided about staying in the relationship at all, read about discernment counseling, which is designed for that situation.
Talk it through before you decide
If you are unsure which kind of therapy fits, a short conversation can help you sort it out. Moshe Ratson, LMFT, offers a free phone consultation and sees clients in Midtown Manhattan and Online by Video. You can request a consultation with spiral2grow and describe what is going on.
Common questions
Go together if the problem is the way you two interact and you are both willing. Go alone if the issue is mainly personal, if your partner refuses, or if you do not feel safe speaking openly in front of them. If you are unsure, describe the situation to a therapist and ask which format they would suggest.
Some therapists do this and others prefer to keep the roles separate, because a couples therapist needs both partners to trust that no one is being favored. Ask about the therapist’s policy before you start, including how they handle private information shared in a one-on-one meeting.
It is different. In couples therapy you hear your partner’s view of you in real time, which can be uncomfortable, and progress depends on two people. Many people also find it a relief, because the pattern they could not explain alone becomes visible with both partners present and someone neutral slowing things down.
A careful therapist will not make that decision for you. They only hear one side, and their job is to help you understand what you feel and want. If the question of staying or leaving is the main issue, couples therapy or discernment counseling gives both partners a place to work on it directly.
Sources
- Marriage and Family Therapists: License Requirements (definition of practice), New York State Education Department, Office of the Professions
- Couple therapy in the 2020s: Current status and emerging developments (Lebow & Snyder, 2022), Family Process, via PubMed
- Individual therapy for couple problems: perspectives and pitfalls (Gurman & Burton, 2014), Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, via PubMed
- Couple therapy for depression (Barbato, D’Avanzo & Parabiaghi, 2018), Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews, via PubMed
- National Domestic Violence Hotline, National Domestic Violence Hotline
This article is part of the Couples Counseling Guide. It is general information, not a substitute for care from a licensed professional who knows your situation.
This article is for general education. It is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis or treatment.
